Couple of Jokes.

[blackpoolhibs]

Irish girl goes to the doctor and asks for the pill, doctor says you are 6 months pregnant, she says i know but paddys found another hole and i dont want a hump on my back.

Texting for the over 40s. The kids have their own sms codes like wtf lol and the likes.

Here are some codes for the more mature.

ATD at the doctors.
BFF best friends funeral.
BTW bring the wheelchair.
FWIW forgot where i was.
GGPBL gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA got hearburn again.
HGBM had good bowel movement
IMHO is my hearing aid on
GGLKI gotta go laxitive kicking in.

[BoltonHibee]

BBC News, 5 people killed in an industrial explosion in Lincolnshire making illegal alcohol.Police say one man is in hospital said to be shaken but not stirred.

[Captain Trips]

80yr old man goes into see the priest and the priest is in the confesion box.

Old Man- "Hello father just thought I would let you know I slept with a lovely 18yrd old girl last night and I am 80yrs old, in fact we are now going out"

Priest - "Oh I see, well that is certainly not ideal firstly you are not married and then there is a massive age gap, I have heard some bad things in my time, this although not the worst is not good she is 18 and you are 80 that is simply not very good. I will ask you to do 4 Hail mary's for this OK?

Old Man - "Ahhh father but I wont be doing the Hail Mary's as I am not a catholic"

Priest - "So why have you come here then"

Old Man "Oh Im telling everyone"

[Captain Trips]

I found this one a belter

[matty_f]

Took the kids to the park the other day. They went down the slide and ended up in a skip. "That's a rubbish chute", I thought.

[Lucius Apuleius]

You know what they say about stamp collecting....philately will get you nowhere.

[blackpoolhibs]

The wife was pissed off with me yesterday, while she was asleep i swapped her tampax with a party popper. She's no sense of humour that woman.

[Sodje_18]

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

[matty_f]

My wife threw a lettuce at me today. That was just the tip of the iceberg.

[Lucius Apuleius]

Was at the ATM yesterday. Blind old lady asks me if I can check her balance. Pushed her over dead easy.No balance whatsoever.

[Hibs90]

"You know why it's called Jackass?" complained my girlfriend. "Because only jackasses like you watch it."
"That must be why you watch Loose Women then, you slut."


I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"
"Miaow!"
"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"
"Woof woof!"
"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"
"David, if you even think about going out to that ****ing pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"
That's my boy.

After ****ging a fat chick whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again call this number."
"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded.
I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."