'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

***snooky*** · 14-05-2015 08:02 PM

Originally Posted by Doddie

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Everything that goes up must come down - but there comes a time when not everything that's down is gonna come up.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? Who has your dinner ready for you on the table, the TV turned to your favourite channel, and a freshly-made bed turned down and waiting?

It means you're in the wrong house.

Have I already posted my deja vu joke?

Sex at my age is like shooting pool with a rope.

George Burns' famous line IIRC

**--------** · 14-05-2015 08:40 PM

Originally Posted by snooky

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George Burns' famous line IIRC

Indeed. But true of us all - eventually.

***sleeping giant*** · 14-05-2015 09:24 PM

Originally Posted by Doddie

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Have I already posted my deja vu joke?

**DH1875** · 15-05-2015 07:41 AM

Originally Posted by Doddie

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Indeed. But true of us all - eventually.

Not anymore, it doesn't :)

***snooky*** · 15-05-2015 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by DH1875

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Not anymore, it doesn't :)

Warning! Keyboard hardman on line.

**HibbyDave** · 16-05-2015 05:39 PM

A man walked into a bar and shouted Ouch!...

It was an Iron Bar!

Did you hear about the homosexual ghosts?
They gave each other the willies!

**SuperAllyMcleod** · 16-05-2015 06:11 PM

Originally Posted by Doddie

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Indeed. But true of us all - eventually.

Yes, I was recently asked by a young lady half my age if I'd like to come up to her place for super sex.

I said, "If it's all the same to you, I'll have the soup".

**Future17** · 16-05-2015 11:32 PM

Originally Posted by SuperAllyMcleod

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Yes, I was recently asked by a young lady half my age if I'd like to come up to her place for super sex.

I said, "If it's all the same to you, I'll have the soup".

I remember that as a Reverend I M Jolly New Year classic.

***Scouse Hibee*** · 17-05-2015 03:01 PM

I was once turned down by a girl when I asked her to dance, she said "no chance, I'm fussy who I dance with"

I responded with "Well I'm not, that's why I asked you"

**Onceinawhile** · 18-05-2015 05:51 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiots house.

Knock knock

Whose there?

The chicken.

***Craig_HFC*** · 22-05-2015 02:33 PM

Helium goes into a bar, and orders a drink. Barman says “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases”. Helium doesn't react.

**Nevi_SOL** · 01-06-2015 04:37 PM

What did the epileptic scotsman get for christmas

Wii fit

***TRC*** · 03-06-2015 03:11 AM

Man drives up to hooker she says 'i'll do anything for £50'
Great says the man drives her to his house and says 'if you start with stripping back the old paper then paint te walls white love that'd be great'

***Hiber-nation*** · 03-06-2015 05:59 AM

Originally Posted by TRC

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Man drives up to hooker she says 'i'll do anything for £50'
Great says the man drives her to his house and says 'if you start with stripping back the old paper then paint te walls white love that'd be great'

***Caversham Green*** · 19-06-2015 02:02 PM

The Germans think their sausage is the best in the world but it's actually the wurst.

**liamh2202** · 19-06-2015 05:25 PM

How do you know if the shark chasing you is a drag queen ?

Da ra ,,,,,, da ra,,,,,,, da ra da da ( to yhe tune of I love you baby)

Not an easy one to write down but give it a go

***Scouse Hibee*** · 19-06-2015 06:16 PM

Bloke goes the toilet in the pub, after a couple of minutes the pub is silenced by an agonising ear splitting scream from the toilets. The barman doesn't bat an eyelid and carries on serving drinks. Someone says to him don't you think you should go and see what has happened? Nah he replied I know what's happened.......the toilet has been removed for repairs, that's the third bloke this week that has sat on the mop wringing bucket and pulled the handle to flush it!

***Hibrandenburg*** · 23-09-2015 09:15 PM

Guy with two left feet walks into a shoe shop and asks "do you have any flip flips? "

**#FromTheCapital** · 23-09-2015 10:03 PM

What do you call half a rabbit?

Rab

**Mixu62** · 24-09-2015 01:37 AM

My room-mate just called me scizophrenic

Ha!

Jokes on him.....I don't have a room-mate.

(Can't claim credit for this one, saw it somewhere else on-line and laughed but knew I shouldn't)

***Hibbyradge*** · 25-09-2015 05:07 PM

I think this qualifies!

In fact, I like it so much, I'm putting it in my signature!

**rodhibs55** · 13-10-2015 11:10 AM

Muslims have invented an exploding prayer mat.

The profits are going through the roof.

***snooky*** · 13-10-2015 12:56 PM

Originally Posted by Mixu62

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My room-mate just called me scizophrenic

Ha!

Jokes on him.....I don't have a room-mate.

(Can't claim credit for this one, saw it somewhere else on-line and laughed but knew I shouldn't)

This one and the Kleptomanic joke are my favs - absolutely brilliant.

**rodhibs55** · 22-10-2015 02:25 PM

In a fit of rage, my wife shouted at me:
I'm married to an idiot.
I told her that was bigamy

***Hibrandenburg*** · 25-10-2015 11:17 AM

A jambo was explaining to a judge why he'd abused some sheep, "I did it because my mom and sister was away on holiday and I got lonely".

Judge: "Don't you mean 'were'?"

Jambo: "No."

***Scouse Hibee*** · 25-10-2015 11:48 AM

Was woken last night by some guy trying to steal my garden gate,I was going to shout at him from my bedroom window but didn't in case he took a fence.

***Hibrandenburg*** · 27-10-2015 03:10 PM

Just been down to Tescos to try and get a vampire costume for Halloween. When the girl gave me a Hearts strip I told her "you must have misheard me, I want to look like a Count".