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  1. #91
    Testimonial Due One Day Soon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wembley67 View Post
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    Bought a car off Bonnie Tyler the other week.

    It's a great runner but every now and then it falls apart.
    That's special by the way. love it


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  3. #92
    BBC News: An ultra-light plane has crashed into a Ferris wheel in a village north of Sydney, trapping four people, Australian officials say.

    Some people dream of being a pilot, others simply fail to see the attraction

  4. #93
    Left by mutual consent! Skanko79's Avatar
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    Paul McCartney must be gutted, his new wife is already spending twice as much on shoes.........

  5. #94
    @hibs.net private member
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    Gamertag: FranckSauzee4
    Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"




    A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

    The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

    After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

    The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

  6. #95
    @hibs.net private member Jim44's Avatar
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    A couple are having marital problems and go to see a marriage guidance councilor. He invites them to speak and the wife goes into a ten minute rant about her husband's faults such as lack of intimacy, understanding and love etc. The councilor stands and goes round to the woman and tells her to stand up. He takes her top off, fondles her breasts and gives her as big hug and kiss. He turns to the husband and says "Your wife needs that three times a week, can you manage that?" The husband hesitates and says " I can bring her round on Mondays and Wednesdays but I play golf on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday ..........."

  7. #96
    First Team Regular Leicester Fan's Avatar
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    A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

    One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

    The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

    The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. I won't say anything more about that white child, if you don't say anything more about that sheep."

  8. #97
    First Team Regular Leicester Fan's Avatar
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    A blokes enjoying a pint a bitter in a pub when a woman comes up to his table puts her backside over the glass and breaks wind. She then walks away and stands at the bar. The bloke goes up to her and says 'You fart in my Whitbread?'

    She says 'No, I'm Tessa sanderson'

  9. #98
    First Team Regular Leicester Fan's Avatar
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    My friend's company selling large sheep went bust....

    The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes.

  10. #99
    First Team Regular Leicester Fan's Avatar
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    Not really a joke, but not worth it's own thread.

    http://producten.hema.nl/
    touch the blue cup

  11. #100
    Testimonial Due Future17's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leicester Fan View Post
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    Not really a joke, but not worth it's own thread.

    http://producten.hema.nl/
    touch the blue cup
    That's genius.

  12. #101
    Testimonial Due HibeeMG's Avatar
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    There are 10 types of people in the world that understand binary. Those that do and those that don't.

  13. #102
    @hibs.net private member R'Albin's Avatar
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    I can't believe theyfired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

  14. #103
    First Team Regular Leicester Fan's Avatar
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    I saw Suggs doing an advert the other day about kicking racism out of football.

    That's madness gone politically correct

  15. #104
    Time for heroes nonshinyfinish's Avatar
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    I took the shell off of my racing snail to try to make him go faster.

    If anything, it's made him more sluggish.

    Logan, McGregor, Hanlon (Gunnarsson 83), Fontaine (Henderson 70), Gray, Fyvie, McGeouch, McGinn, Stevenson, Stokes, Cummings (Keatings 65)

  16. #105
    3pts away from home - i'm a happy glory hunter. jonty's Avatar
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    Gamertag: jonty Wii Code: 7580 5998 4272 1376
    Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

  17. #106
    @hibs.net private member R'Albin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nonshinyfinish View Post
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    Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino walks into the bar.
    Quote Originally Posted by The_Exile View Post
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    In the same vein as the above.........

    Neutrino...................knock knock
    I get these now

  18. #107
    Coaching Staff snooky's Avatar
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    "I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
    Quote Originally Posted by HUTCHYHIBBY View Post
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    Stuart Francis on Mock the Week IIRC?
    Original from the master of this kind of humour - Steven Wright
    For more of his stuff...
    http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/au...en_wright.html
    Last edited by snooky; 28-12-2011 at 01:06 PM.

  19. #108
    Coaching Staff snooky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nonshinyfinish View Post
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    I heard that one next week.
    Brill!


    Irish divers have just reported that after all these years the swimming pool on the Titanic is still full of water.
    Last edited by snooky; 28-12-2011 at 01:53 PM.

  20. #109
    @hibs.net private member R'Albin's Avatar
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    I've bought my epileptic girlfriend a few small gifts for Valentine's Day. Nothing too flashy.

  21. #110
    Testimonial Due Future17's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by R'Albin View Post
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    I've bought my epileptic girlfriend a few small gifts for Valentine's Day. Nothing too flashy.

  22. #111
    Van Gogh sitting in a pub. In walks Gauguin, spot VVG and says "Hi Vince, fancy a pint?"

    Van Gogh says "No thanks, I've got one 'ere."

    It's better spoken than read.

  23. #112
    Testimonial Due forthhibby's Avatar
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    ‎"Timmy , your homework assignment was to read War and Peace. Why haven't you read it?" "Sorry Miss. It's a long story."

  24. #113
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    Knock knock. Who's there? A genuine neutrino.

  25. #114
    @hibs.net private member Saltire2k's Avatar
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    Never tell a secret to a peacock - they spread tails.

  26. #115
    @hibs.net private member R'Albin's Avatar
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    My mate bet me ten pound that I couldn't get some meat from a high shelve.

    I said "No, the steaks are too high"

    Better said aloud

  27. #116
    Scottish Cup Victory - Witness 2016 Scouse Hibee's Avatar
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    This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race....................


    A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

    The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
    She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.


    They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

    At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.







    At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
    'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

    The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

    'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'




    The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:



    'I think so. Provided those ****ers at Jewsons deliver the ****ing bricks'
    Last edited by Scouse Hibee; 12-11-2013 at 03:30 PM.

  28. #117
    Coaching Staff iwasthere1972's Avatar
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    I was offered "a good time" for 50 recently. I said to the girl your way too young and she replied how you know my name.

    Boom boom.

  29. #118
    @hibs.net private member R'Albin's Avatar
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    How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb in a kitchen?

    None, the bitch can cook in the dark.

  30. #119
    @hibs.net private member Saltire2k's Avatar
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    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's great. In fact, I just can't put it down.

  31. #120
    First Team Breakthrough steve75's Avatar
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    Gamertag: rowPP
    Did you hear Oxygen and Potassium went on a date?

    It went OK.

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