I was thinking about taking up gymnastics, but couldn't get into a club.
They were expecting you to bend over backwards to join.
Results 571 to 600 of 1283
-
14-12-2018 08:17 AM #571
-
16-12-2018 08:17 PM #572
Doctor: have you been drinking enough fluids?
Me: that's literally all I drink.
-
-
-
13-02-2019 07:33 PM #575
I've been trying to get my girlfriend to stick her keyring up my jacksie for years but, she just keeps fobbing me off.
-
15-02-2019 02:28 PM #576
Thought i'd just seen the first English super hero earlier, saw a scouser running down the road in a cape, turned out he'd just done a runner from the hair dressers.
-
15-02-2019 07:47 PM #577
How many members of Ocean Colour Scene does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but they need to ask Paul Weller for permission first.
Do you think your security can keep you in purity, you will not shake us off above or below. Scottish friction, Scottish fiction
-
27-03-2019 10:35 PM #578
I played golf with a new member today.
He asked, "Is it preferred lies"?
I answered, "Yes, it is".
"Ok, thanks".
"I've got a huge cock".Last edited by Hibbyradge; 28-03-2019 at 09:33 AM.
-
03-04-2019 10:30 PM #579
- Join Date
- Apr 2002
- Age
- 49
- Posts
- 15,209
What you call a judge with no balls?
Justice Dick.
-
04-04-2019 12:38 PM #580
I got stopped by one of those market researchers the other day.
She said, "Do you mind if I ask you ten short questions?"
I said, "Okay, go on then."
"Have you ever suffered from a blackout?" she asked.
"I don't think so," I replied.
She said, "And, finally, question ten."
-
04-04-2019 06:17 PM #581
- Join Date
- Apr 2002
- Age
- 49
- Posts
- 15,209
I feel asleep with a cigarette in my hand the problem was the wife lit it.
-
18-04-2019 05:51 PM #582
Want to hear a joke about Sodium, Bromine and Oxygen?
NaBrO".....Hearts midfielder Laryea Kingston insists he can fulfil all his dreams at Tynecastle - by winning the SPL and a European trophy.
The Ghanaian is certain the Jambos will soon become a major power at home and abroad"
-
20-04-2019 09:03 PM #583
There are two types of people in the world:
1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
-
26-04-2019 02:29 PM #584
I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"
He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell"
-
26-04-2019 04:45 PM #585
A guy in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket.
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run.
-
01-05-2019 11:33 AM #586
- Join Date
- Apr 2015
- Posts
- 281
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm.
I gave her the superglue.
She's still not talking to me.
-
01-05-2019 11:59 AM #587
My neighbour said my dogs keep chasing people down the road on bikes, I told him my dogs don't own bikes.
-
28-05-2019 09:46 AM #588
I read this morning that the reason Cher only uses her first name is because she married the footballer Marc Noble years ago and they didn’t think it would be good for record sales otherwise.
Do you think your security can keep you in purity, you will not shake us off above or below. Scottish friction, Scottish fiction
-
29-05-2019 03:30 PM #589
Shamelessly stolen from Facebook
A guy walks into a quiet pub with his dog... at the time Hearts are 1-0 up in the Cup Final.
He asks for a pint. Soon after the dog does a backflip.
The barman says " What the F..... Why does yer dog do that?
Guys says, everytime he backflips, Celtic have scored, must be 1-1 now!
He quickly orders up another pint. Soon afterwards the dog backflips again, the guy says "Ya beauty! 2-1,Celtic".
The barman says" You're having a laugh, I'm away to check the score ".
2 mins later he's back.
" Jesus Christ Yer Spot On ".
A few minutes later the dog backflips 3 times.
The guy says "Game over, Celtic are Treble Treble Winners!!".
Barman Says "I believe you mate, but can I ask you one question? "
Fire away mate....
" What does the dog do if Rangers win anything?? "
" Fk knows mate, I've only had him 8 years....😂😂 "
🍀🍀
-
02-06-2019 02:01 PM #590
Really saddened to hear of the passing of Michael Stipe. It's still breaking news, only two people in the world know about it just now.
That's me and the coroner.
Do you think your security can keep you in purity, you will not shake us off above or below. Scottish friction, Scottish fiction
-
03-06-2019 08:06 AM #591This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
-
03-06-2019 08:26 AM #592This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
A long while.
-
03-06-2019 08:54 AM #593
Boris Johnson isn't well thought of by MPs. they think he's an arse.
except Chris grayling who thinks he's an elbow.
(stolen from NIGNFY)
Sent from my SM-A520F using Tapatalk
-
05-06-2019 12:50 PM #594
- Join Date
- Apr 2015
- Posts
- 281
Paper bag goes to the doctor and says he's been feeling really ill lately.
Doc says I'll do some tests, come back next week for your results.
Paper bag return a week later. Doc says, bad news, your HIV positive.
Bag says you have got to be joking, I'm a paper bag how can that be possible.
Doc says, your mother was probably a carrier.
-
05-06-2019 01:23 PM #595
Little Johnny is out walking with his dad when they see two dogs ****ging on the other side of the road."What are they doing, Dad?" asks Johnny."Well, the front dog is tired and the other is pushing him all the way home so he can lie down in his basket."Little Johnny thinks, then says, "Good thing Mum was holding onto the kitchen table yesterday, otherwise the postman would've pushed her all the way to the Post Office."
-
07-06-2019 10:14 PM #596
A guy goes to a fancy dress party. The host asks “what have you come as?”. “A harp” says the guest. The host then says “your costume looks small for a harp”. The guest replies “are you calling me a lyre?”
A guy goes to a fancy dress party with a piece of sandpaper attached to his knob. “What have you come as?” Asked the host? “Dick Emery” was the teply
-
07-06-2019 10:34 PM #597This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
-
09-06-2019 01:57 PM #598
My missus said to me the other day that she doesn’t think I understand the concept of irony.
Which was ironic as I’d just made myself a bowl of cornflakes.
Do you think your security can keep you in purity, you will not shake us off above or below. Scottish friction, Scottish fiction
-
25-07-2019 10:39 AM #599
What cheese do you use to lure a bear out of its cave?
Camembert
What cheese do you use to hide a horse?
Mascerpone
There is no such thing as too much yarn, just not enough time.
-
25-07-2019 11:00 AM #600
I don't speak French but I know a little German. He's 3 foot 8 and lives down the road.
Log in to remove the advert |
Bookmarks