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  1. #421
    Coaching Staff Future17's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by beensaidbefore View Post
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    American tourist on cruise round Antarctica asks the guide, what is the distance between the black, and white penguins.

    The black ones are walking away from you and the white ones are walking towards you...
    I spent ages trying to understand this before I realised you'd put "distance" instead of "difference"!


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  3. #422
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Future17 View Post
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    I spent ages trying to understand this before I realised you'd put "distance" instead of "difference"!
    It's the way he tells them.

  4. #423
    Quote Originally Posted by Future17 View Post
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    I spent ages trying to understand this before I realised you'd put "distance" instead of "difference"!
    Bloody spell check, and looking at it again it's not really told very well anyway! Sort bout that😂😂

  5. #424
    Quote Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg View Post
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    It's the way he tells them.
    Haha, exactly. Plenty spare tickets for my comedy show...

  6. #425
    @hibs.net private member sleeping giant's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by beensaidbefore View Post
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    Bloody spell check, and looking at it again it's not really told very well anyway! Sort bout that😂😂
    No Eternal Reward Shall Forgive Us Now For Wasting The Dawn

  7. #426
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    A mate of mine has opened a Christmas ice rink over the festive period and is charging 50p an hour. What a ****ing cheapskate.

  8. #427
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    My wife phoned the local radio station today, to enter their Christmas mystery prize competition.
    She was lucky and got through to the DJ,

    "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..

    "That's Fantastic!" she called out in delight.

    "Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."

    "Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Berlin University," she proudly replied, "and I continued studying for my doctorate"

    "Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to the next Edinburgh derby in the Hearts end and to meet the Hearts players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"

    "7", She replied....

  9. #428
    @hibs.net private member Just Alf's Avatar
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    That last post 100% reflects the thread title lol!

    Sent from my SM-G925F using Tapatalk
    "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
    --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

  10. #429
    @hibs.net private member sleeping giant's Avatar
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    How do you think the unthinkable ?


    With an ithberg :-)
    No Eternal Reward Shall Forgive Us Now For Wasting The Dawn

  11. #430
    @hibs.net private member Mibbes Aye's Avatar
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    My favourite is from the Fringe, a few years ago, by a stand-up called Fin Taylor:

    "...My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious"

    There's only one thing better than a Hibs calendar and that's two Hibs calendars

  12. #431
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    Why was Oedipus against profanity?

    Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

  13. #432
    @hibs.net private member Hamish's Avatar
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    Anybody know the attendance at Yankee Stadium in the last game of 2016? Doesn't have to be exact, a ballpark figure will do.

  14. #433
    It was Christmas Eve many years ago. Santa had overdone the whisky and mince pies the previous night and Mrs Claus was hoovering around him and complaining that he never did any housework. The elves were way behind schedule and threatening to strike for better working conditions. Once again they had forgotten to put batteries in with the presents. Rudolf was complaining that the other reindeer wouldn't let him join in their reindeer games.

    Then a fairy appeared and said 'Hey Santa, what should I do with this tree?'

    And that children, is why you see a fairy at the top of the Christmas tree.

  15. #434
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    Just watched the pilot show of CSI Kirkcaldy .
    It was rubbish.

    There were no dental records and everyone had the same DNA.

  16. #435
    @hibs.net private member Mr White's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg View Post
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    Just watched the pilot show of CSI Kirkcaldy .
    It was rubbish.

    There were no dental records and everyone had the same DNA.

  17. #436
    Testimonial Due Colr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg View Post
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    Just watched the pilot show of CSI Kirkcaldy .
    It was rubbish.

    There were no dental records and everyone had the same DNA.

  18. #437
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg View Post
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    Just watched the pilot show of CSI Kirkcaldy .
    It was rubbish.

    There were no dental records and everyone had the same DNA.
    Top drawer

  19. #438
    Quote Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg View Post
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    Just watched the pilot show of CSI Kirkcaldy .
    It was rubbish.

    There were no dental records and everyone had the same DNA.
    Brilliant

  20. #439
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    Some of my friends are holding a joint Chinese new year/Burns night. I didn't fancy it at first but they twisted my arm.

  21. #440
    @hibs.net private member Hibbyradge's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mibbes Aye View Post
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    My favourite is from the Fringe, a few years ago, by a stand-up called Fin Taylor:

    "...My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious"

    :
    Buy nothing online unless you check for free cashback here first. I've already earned £1,789.68!



  22. #441
    @hibs.net private member blackpoolhibs's Avatar
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    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

  23. #442
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    Now the window is closed, Liverpool fans are gutted they didn't get Bale, but they're back in court on Monday and might get it then.

  24. #443
    @hibs.net private member --------'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blackpoolhibs View Post
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    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg View Post
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    Now the window is closed, Liverpool fans are gutted they didn't get Bale, but they're back in court on Monday and might get it then.

    Guys! Guys!

  25. #444
    Scottish Cup Victory - Witness 2016 Scouse Hibby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doddie View Post
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    Guys! Guys!
    Just as well I have chosen not to be offended. 😅
    "If a player is not interfering with play or seeking to gain
    an advantage, then he should be."

  26. #445
    @hibs.net private member blackpoolhibs's Avatar
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    An Australian ventriloquist visiting NZ,
    walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
    Ventriloquist: 'G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him.'
    Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
    Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
    Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
    Villager: (look of extreme shock)
    Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
    Dog: 'Yep'
    Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
    Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
    Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
    Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
    Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think.'
    Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
    Horse: 'Cool'
    Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
    Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
    Horse: 'Yep'
    Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
    Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
    Villager: (total look of amazement)
    Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
    Villager: 'The sheep's a ****ing liar'

  27. #446
    @hibs.net private member Peevemor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blackpoolhibs View Post
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    An Australian ventriloquist visiting NZ,
    walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
    Ventriloquist: 'G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him.'
    Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
    Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
    Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
    Villager: (look of extreme shock)
    Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
    Dog: 'Yep'
    Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
    Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
    Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
    Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
    Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think.'
    Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
    Horse: 'Cool'
    Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
    Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
    Horse: 'Yep'
    Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
    Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
    Villager: (total look of amazement)
    Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
    Villager: 'The sheep's a ****ing liar'
    Superb!

  28. #447
    Testimonial Due Colr's Avatar
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    When do cows go on holiday?

    When they have a wee calf.

  29. #448
    @hibs.net private member Craig_HFC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Colr View Post
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    When do cows go on holiday?

    When they have a wee calf.
    Ten cows are standing in a field. Which one is from the Middle East?

    Coo Eight.
    PERSEVERE
    Verb: pə:ːsɪ'ˈvɪə/
    To not give up.
    To go the distance.
    To stop at nothing.

  30. #449
    @hibs.net private member Hibbyradge's Avatar
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    There seems to be an animal theme developing, so ...

    An old bull and a young bull stand on a hillside, overlooking a field in which several cows are grazing.

    The young bull says to the old bull, “Hey, let’s run down the hill and f*** one of those heifers.”

    The old bull replies, “No, let’s walk down and f*** all of them.”

  31. #450
    Why did the cow go to the cinema?

    Cause it wanted to see a MOOvie.

    *Not reading through the whole thread so if its been done before, sue me.

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