hibs.net Messageboard

Page 14 of 15 FirstFirst ... 412131415 LastLast
Results 391 to 420 of 426
  1. #391
    @hibs.net private member alhibby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    near the libby
    Age
    61
    Posts
    395
    Man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

    Policeman informs family "There's no easy way to say this"...


  2. Log in to remove the advert

  3. #392
    @hibs.net private member Captain Trips's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Age
    43
    Posts
    11,763
    Egyptian Taxi driver?

    Toot and come oot.
    If I choose to revert back to Carlsberg it will have to be The Carlsberg

  4. #393
    @hibs.net private member Golden Fleece's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    between a brewery & distillery
    Posts
    11,414
    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Trips View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Egyptian Taxi driver?

    Toot and come oot.
    Surely it is Toot and come in ?
    #Persevered
    Scotland can be a beacon, within these islands and beyond, for a socially just and sustainable society. Whilst there are many priorities which will require independence, there is also much that can and must be done now by the Scottish Parliament and the Scottish Government.

  5. #394
    @hibs.net private member blackpoolhibs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Blackpool
    Age
    57
    Posts
    47,290
    After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
    As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

  6. #395
    Testimonial Due Geo_1875's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    In my Joy Division Oven Gloves
    Posts
    3,643
    I was out drinking with my mates, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 12 missed calls from my wife.

    Is she insecure or what? That's an average of 6 calls a day.

  7. #396
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Down East
    Posts
    10,254
    Blog Entries
    1
    Guy goes to the doc to get the results of his recent medical check up.
    Patient - "Okay doc, what do the results tell us?"
    Doc - "Hmmm .... don't go buying any green bananas"

  8. #397
    @hibs.net private member blackpoolhibs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Blackpool
    Age
    57
    Posts
    47,290
    Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin

  9. #398
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Down East
    Posts
    10,254
    Blog Entries
    1
    Quote Originally Posted by blackpoolhibs View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin


    No doubt his lid will get more screws than the average man.

  10. #399
    Quote Originally Posted by blackpoolhibs View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin

    I'm sure someone will undertake to do it.

  11. #400
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Down East
    Posts
    10,254
    Blog Entries
    1
    As some other guy said, you can't really say he's gone to a better place ... !

  12. #401
    Sincere apologies if it's been posted already but ...

    2 elephants fall off a cliff ... ... ... boom, boom!

  13. #402
    "Would you like a cake or a meringue?"

    "No you're quite right I'd like a cake."

  14. #403
    @hibs.net private member Golden Fleece's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    between a brewery & distillery
    Posts
    11,414
    I think this thread deserves a green award for recycling
    #Persevered
    Scotland can be a beacon, within these islands and beyond, for a socially just and sustainable society. Whilst there are many priorities which will require independence, there is also much that can and must be done now by the Scottish Parliament and the Scottish Government.

  15. #404
    First wifie - "I hear yer man's work's paying off six fitters - you must be worried."

    Second wifie - "Naw we're alright, my Davey's only five foot seven."

  16. #405
    @hibs.net private member Captain Trips's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Age
    43
    Posts
    11,763
    Quote Originally Posted by Golden Fleece View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Surely it is Toot and come in ?
    Nope toot and come oot, taxi toots you come out house to then get in.
    If I choose to revert back to Carlsberg it will have to be The Carlsberg

  17. #406
    @hibs.net private member Captain Trips's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Age
    43
    Posts
    11,763
    Invisible mans girlfriend is breaking up with him she just said she really couldn't see him anymore.
    If I choose to revert back to Carlsberg it will have to be The Carlsberg

  18. #407
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Brandenburg
    Age
    52
    Posts
    9,146
    Did you know 'emas eht yltcaxe' is exactly the same backwards?

  19. #408
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Brandenburg
    Age
    52
    Posts
    9,146
    A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

  20. #409
    "Have you got any haddock?"

    "sorry Mrs.McTavish none left".

    "Well I'll have two bits of salmon but could you have another look for haddock?"

    "No definitely none."

    "I'll have some cod as well but I'm not sure you're looking properly for the haddock."

    "Mrs.Mctavish we have no haddock.We have no h-a-d-d-o-f-c-k haddock."

    "There's no eff in haddock".

    "That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last 5 minutes."

  21. #410
    @hibs.net private member alhibby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    near the libby
    Age
    61
    Posts
    395
    I've just found out that the chippy in Sellafield has closed down.

    What a shame, they used to serve a lovely leg of cod there.

  22. #411
    First Team Regular over the line's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    North Wales (just)
    Age
    47
    Posts
    779
    Man walks into a bar with a big strip of Tarmac over his shoulder. He says "pint of lager for me and one for the road".

  23. #412
    First Team Regular over the line's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    North Wales (just)
    Age
    47
    Posts
    779
    Quote Originally Posted by blackpoolhibs View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin
    I hear the fella who invented the throat lozenge is being buried tomorrow. Apparently there'll be no coffin' at his funeral.
    Last edited by over the line; 12-11-2017 at 01:26 PM. Reason: Spelling

  24. #413
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Down East
    Posts
    10,254
    Blog Entries
    1
    My ex always liked ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so this year I've bought her a toaster.

  25. #414
    @hibs.net private member Eaststand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Eastside
    Age
    59
    Posts
    510
    A man walks into a Pet Shop and asks, "do you sell painkillers" ?

    The shop owner replies nah mate "Paracetamol"


    GGTTH

  26. #415
    Promising Youngster Alfiembra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Embra
    Age
    60
    Posts
    69
    Man walks into a pub with a biscuit tin and a duck under his arm. He puts the biscuit tin on the bar and the duck on top of the tin, immediately the duck starts dancing. Everyone in the bar is fascinated by the dancing duck including the landlord and the bar is heaving. Word gets out and sales are going through the roof, everyone wants to see the dancing duck.


    The landlord says to the man would you please sell me your dancing duck name your price, I’ve never had such a busy night in here, he’ll be great for business. OK says the man but dancing ducks don’t come cheap. Whatever it takes says the landlord, the man replies I’ll need £500 for me duck.


    The landlord pays the man and the bar is bursting at the seams everyone watching the dancing duck. Closing time comes and the bar empties but the duck is still dancing on the biscuit tin he clears up and about an hour after the bar shut the duck is still dancing. So the landlord phones the man, it’s about the duck he says, what’s wrong says the man, nothings wrong says the barman how do you get it to stop dancing?


    Ah that’s easy says the man just lift the lid of the biscuit tin and blow out the candle.

  27. #416
    @hibs.net private member lord bunberry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    edinburgh
    Posts
    10,948
    I went to a gymnastics instructor and asked if she could teach me to do the splits. “How flexible are you” she asked, I said “I can’t make tuesdays”.

    GIRLS DONT LIKE BOYS GIRLS LIKE SIMON MURRAY

  28. #417
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Brandenburg
    Age
    52
    Posts
    9,146
    Went to bed last night with my mobile phone under my pillow. Woke up this morning and it was gone and in its place a pound coin.

    Damn you Bluetooth Fairy.

  29. #418
    @hibs.net proletariat member Pete's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    North stand
    Posts
    15,686
    Saw this **** from Kirkcaldy the other day walking along the road with only one shoe on.

    I said “mate, you’ve lost a shoe”.

    He said: “Naw av no, I’ve found yin”

  30. #419
    American tourist on cruise round Antarctica asks the guide, what is the distance between the black, and white penguins.

    The black ones are walking away from you and the white ones are walking towards you...

  31. #420
    First Team Regular Mixu62's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Brisbane
    Age
    44
    Posts
    600
    If you drive a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now an Edison?

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
hibs.net ©2012 All Rights Reserved