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  1. #391
    @hibs.net private member alhibby's Avatar
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    Man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

    Policeman informs family "There's no easy way to say this"...


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  3. #392
    @hibs.net private member Captain Trips's Avatar
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    Egyptian Taxi driver?

    Toot and come oot.
    If I choose to revert back to Carlsberg it will have to be The Carlsberg

  4. #393
    @hibs.net private member Golden Fleece's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Trips View Post
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    Egyptian Taxi driver?

    Toot and come oot.
    Surely it is Toot and come in ?
    #Persevered
    Scotland can be a beacon, within these islands and beyond, for a socially just and sustainable society. Whilst there are many priorities which will require independence, there is also much that can and must be done now by the Scottish Parliament and the Scottish Government.

  5. #394
    @hibs.net private member blackpoolhibs's Avatar
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    After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
    As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

  6. #395
    Testimonial Due Geo_1875's Avatar
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    I was out drinking with my mates, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 12 missed calls from my wife.

    Is she insecure or what? That's an average of 6 calls a day.

  7. #396
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    Guy goes to the doc to get the results of his recent medical check up.
    Patient - "Okay doc, what do the results tell us?"
    Doc - "Hmmm .... don't go buying any green bananas"

  8. #397
    @hibs.net private member blackpoolhibs's Avatar
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    Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin

  9. #398
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blackpoolhibs View Post
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    Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin


    No doubt his lid will get more screws than the average man.

  10. #399
    Quote Originally Posted by blackpoolhibs View Post
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    Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin

    I'm sure someone will undertake to do it.

  11. #400
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    As some other guy said, you can't really say he's gone to a better place ... !

  12. #401
    Sincere apologies if it's been posted already but ...

    2 elephants fall off a cliff ... ... ... boom, boom!

  13. #402
    "Would you like a cake or a meringue?"

    "No you're quite right I'd like a cake."

  14. #403
    @hibs.net private member Golden Fleece's Avatar
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    I think this thread deserves a green award for recycling
    #Persevered
    Scotland can be a beacon, within these islands and beyond, for a socially just and sustainable society. Whilst there are many priorities which will require independence, there is also much that can and must be done now by the Scottish Parliament and the Scottish Government.

  15. #404
    First wifie - "I hear yer man's work's paying off six fitters - you must be worried."

    Second wifie - "Naw we're alright, my Davey's only five foot seven."

  16. #405
    @hibs.net private member Captain Trips's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Golden Fleece View Post
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    Surely it is Toot and come in ?
    Nope toot and come oot, taxi toots you come out house to then get in.
    If I choose to revert back to Carlsberg it will have to be The Carlsberg

  17. #406
    @hibs.net private member Captain Trips's Avatar
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    Invisible mans girlfriend is breaking up with him she just said she really couldn't see him anymore.
    If I choose to revert back to Carlsberg it will have to be The Carlsberg

  18. #407
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    Did you know 'emas eht yltcaxe' is exactly the same backwards?

  19. #408
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

  20. #409
    "Have you got any haddock?"

    "sorry Mrs.McTavish none left".

    "Well I'll have two bits of salmon but could you have another look for haddock?"

    "No definitely none."

    "I'll have some cod as well but I'm not sure you're looking properly for the haddock."

    "Mrs.Mctavish we have no haddock.We have no h-a-d-d-o-f-c-k haddock."

    "There's no eff in haddock".

    "That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last 5 minutes."

  21. #410
    @hibs.net private member alhibby's Avatar
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    I've just found out that the chippy in Sellafield has closed down.

    What a shame, they used to serve a lovely leg of cod there.

  22. #411
    First Team Regular over the line's Avatar
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    Man walks into a bar with a big strip of Tarmac over his shoulder. He says "pint of lager for me and one for the road".

  23. #412
    First Team Regular over the line's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blackpoolhibs View Post
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    Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin
    I hear the fella who invented the throat lozenge is being buried tomorrow. Apparently there'll be no coffin' at his funeral.
    Last edited by over the line; 12-11-2017 at 01:26 PM. Reason: Spelling

  24. #413
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    My ex always liked ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so this year I've bought her a toaster.

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