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  1. #301
    First Team Regular Mixu62's Avatar
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    I got drunk last night while playing scrabble with friends and accidentally swallowed about 8 pieces. My next **** could spell disaster.


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  3. #302
    Heard this on the radio today , kid in the kitchen

    Why didn't the toilet roll cross the road ?
    Because it was stuck in the crack

  4. #303
    @hibs.net private member Billy Whizz's Avatar
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    A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

    Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

    The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

    Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

    The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

    Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
    The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

    Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
    A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

    Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”

    The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

    Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”


    Donald is soon moving into the White House

  5. #304
    Coaching Staff HUTCHYHIBBY's Avatar
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    Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards?

    Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.

  6. #305
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    (From Viz 'Top Tips')

    If the police come to your house to arrest you just tell them you're wrapping Christmas presents and they can't come in.

  7. #306
    @hibs.net private member Scouse Hibee's Avatar
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    Pretty sure the snowman I just seen was as pissed as a fart. He was totally melted.

  8. #307
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    The fishing was so bad this year up our way that even the liars didn't catch any.

  9. #308
    Testimonial Due SanFranHibs's Avatar
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    My wife really needs to go on a diet. Last weekend we went to the opera and no-one would leave until she sang.





    Bob Monkhouse

  10. #309
    Testimonial Due SanFranHibs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mixu62 View Post
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    I got drunk last night while playing scrabble with friends and accidentally swallowed about 8 pieces. My next **** could spell disaster.

  11. #310
    @hibs.net private member sleeping giant's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by snooky View Post
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    The fishing was so bad this year up our way that even the liars didn't catch any.
    No Eternal Reward Shall Forgive Us Now For Wasting The Dawn

  12. #311
    I always give 100% - I think that may be why I lost my job marking exam papers.

  13. #312
    @hibs.net private member Alfiembra's Avatar
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    In the game of golf bad shots come in threes.
    if you hit a 4th bad shot it's the start of the next 3.

  14. #313
    First Team Breakthrough
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    Guy goes into a cafe for a coffee and piece of cake.
    Notices the carrot cake is £1, Battenburg is £1 in fact everything is £1 apart from one offering, its £2.
    Guy says to the proprietor how come everything is £1 apart from that piece over there that is £2.
    Proprietor says
    Thats Madeira cake.

  15. #314
    Hear about the guy teaching his dog to pee in the gutter?

    Fell off the roof and killed himself.

  16. #315
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rodhibs55 View Post
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    Guy goes into a cafe for a coffee and piece of cake.
    Notices the carrot cake is £1, Battenburg is £1 in fact everything is £1 apart from one offering, its £2.
    Guy says to the proprietor how come everything is £1 apart from that piece over there that is £2.
    Proprietor says
    Thats Madeira cake.

  17. #316
    @hibs.net private member Hibbyradge's Avatar
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    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

    He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

    Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. You see, several years ago Frank died, and I married his ****ing wife."
    Buy nothing online unless you check for free cashback here first. I've already earned £2,389.68!



  18. #317
    @hibs.net private member Hibbyradge's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MB Crunch View Post
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    I'm going to the Fibonacci convention this year.

    It's going to be as big as the last two put together.
    Excellent.
    Buy nothing online unless you check for free cashback here first. I've already earned £2,389.68!



  19. #318
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    When I asked a Rabbie Burns buff how "Tam O'Shanter" ended, he gave me a detailed explanation.

  20. #319
    Testimonial Due Geo_1875's Avatar
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    Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?


    Cos he's married.

  21. #320
    @hibs.net private member alhibby's Avatar
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    I've just bought a new aftershave called Breadcrumbs....................the birds love it

  22. #321
    @hibs.net private member Future17's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Geo_1875 View Post
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    Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?


    Cos he's married.

  23. #322
    Testimonial Due Franck Stanton's Avatar
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    On that note, Ever seen Stevie Wonders wife ? Nether's he.
    -----------------------------------------------------
    Superman is flying around Metropolis. Everything is very quiet and peaceful. No crime, no disasters, - nothing happening so decides to fly over to Gotham to visit his old pals Batman and Robin.
    He knocks at the door to Wayne Mansion and when Albert answered finds out that they are both away on holiday as there is no crime.
    No problem says Superman, I'll just go and see the Fantastic 4. No joy there either so visits captain America.
    Still no joy he decides to just give up and fly home.
    As he flies over New York he sees Wonder Woman, lying naked atop a skyscraper.
    He thinks, I have always fancied her, I could fly down there and do the business at super-speed and be away before she knows whats happened.
    He does the dirty deed and flies off .
    Wonder Woman opens her eyes wide and says " What was that?"
    Just then the invisible man stands up and says "I don't know but my rse really hurts".

  24. #323
    I used to get a Valentines card every year and I didn't know who it was from. This is the first year I never got one and I missed it and feel sad.

    It's been a terrible year, first my gran died and then this!

  25. #324
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    Storm Doris is hitting the UK on Thursday apparently.
    Some smarty pants are calling tomorrow Doris Day

  26. #325
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    "The fundamental difference between Edinburgh and Glasgow is ...
    when you hear a gun going off in Edinburgh you know it's one o'clock."

    Kevin Bridges

  27. #326
    @hibs.net private member Jim44's Avatar
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    A spokesman for the Mexican Government, when asked about Trump's wall said. " We are not very happy but we'll get over it."

  28. #327
    Coaching Staff --------'s Avatar
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    Gamer IDs

    Gamertag: Eh? PSN ID: No comprendo, senor. Wii Code: What's a Wii?
    Quote Originally Posted by Speedy View Post
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    I'm going to the Fibonacci convention this year.

    It's going to be as big as the last two put together.


  29. #328
    @hibs.net private member Scouse Hibee's Avatar
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    Have I already told you my deja vu joke.

  30. #329
    @hibs.net private member Scouse Hibee's Avatar
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    Went to the dentist in agony with a splinter in my gum. Cocktail stick? said the dentist. No I replied, baked stake and tatties.

  31. #330
    Not really a joke, but quite funny. In Fraserburgh, you could ask 'fit fit fits fit fit' and expect to get an answer!😂

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