You've been reading your Lex McLean joke book again.....This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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Results 511 to 540 of 1283
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14-06-2018 09:41 PM #511
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16-06-2018 04:23 PM #512
What's the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, for a start, the flag's a big plus.
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20-06-2018 09:28 AM #513
I told my therapist that I was obsessed with social media, he said he didn't follow.
There is no such thing as too much yarn, just not enough time.
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20-06-2018 09:35 AM #514
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says...
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!
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20-06-2018 11:43 AM #515
Stolen fron Dave TV Channel ad breaks but I like it.
"Without it Gravity would be just Gravy"
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27-06-2018 03:28 PM #516
A train stops at a train station.
A bus stops at a bus station.
On my desk is a work station.
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04-07-2018 03:13 PM #518
- Join Date
- Dec 2007
- Age
- 81
- Posts
- 13,828
Cannibals are notorious for letting people stew in their own juice.
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11-07-2018 08:06 PM #520
Guy walks into a pub with his dog. Orders a beer and says to the barman “I’ve got no money but I’ll show you something better. My dog can speak.” Barman says “right then, make it talk”
So the guy pulls out a bit sandpaper, scrapes the dogs arse with it & says to the dog “how did that feel?” The dog says “ruff!”
Barman says “nah, I’m no having that. Get out!”
Guy says “Naw, naw it can talk, give us another chance”
So this time he says to the dog “you’re teeing off and your ball doesn’t hit the fairway, the green, the bunker or the water. Where is it?”. The dog says “ruff!”
Barman says “right, that’s it! Out the pair of you!”
The guy says “honestly it can talk, one more chance please”
So the guy says to the dog “right, this is our last chance before we get chucked out so pay attention. World Cup 1986 in Mexico, who was in goal for Scotland?” The dog says “ruff!”
Barman has had enough and chucks them both out the pub. The guy & his dog are sat on the pavement outside and the dog turns and says to him “****, was it Jim Leighton?”PERSEVERE
Verb: pə:ːsɪ'ˈvɪə/
To not give up.
To go the distance.
To stop at nothing.
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13-07-2018 10:35 AM #521
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
- Posts
- 7,792
This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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20-07-2018 02:34 PM #522
Carnival worker sacked from dodgems ride.
He’s suing for funfair dismissal?
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20-07-2018 06:10 PM #523
I have developed a phobia of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
Follow the Hibs podcast, Longbangers, on Twitter (@longbangers)
https://longbangers.hubwave.net
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31-07-2018 11:40 AM #525
- Join Date
- Apr 2015
- Posts
- 281
Mate of mine went on a holiday to a country cottage which was great apart from it being right next to a farm.
Got woke up early every morning by the noise from the animals. The cocks and hens cock a doodle dooing.
The pigs grunting.
The cows mooing.
The donkey wasn't bad though, it said He Haw
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05-08-2018 12:59 AM #526
A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills." Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon."
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05-08-2018 08:42 PM #527
BREAKING: David Villa signs for Villa, Antonio Valencia signs for Valencia, Nile Ranger signs for Rangers & Danny S**ttu signs for Hearts.
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05-08-2018 11:46 PM #528
"Come round to my place tonight. I'm having a wee doo" - Bo Constricta
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-45074866
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13-08-2018 11:52 AM #529
- Join Date
- Apr 2015
- Posts
- 281
Old lady knitting as she drove.
Police drove up beside her and shouted "Pull Over"
Lady replied back "No they're mittens"
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30-08-2018 10:02 PM #530
If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.
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02-09-2018 09:32 AM #531
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone, then it dawned on me.
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04-09-2018 09:10 AM #533
Two men were playing golf behind 2 very slow women.
One of the men said to the other, "Would you ask them if we can play through. One of them is my wife and the other one is my mistress so I don't want to speak to them together".
The other chap sets off to have a word with them, but as he gets half way there, he turns round and returns to his playing partner.
"Would you believe it?" he said, "What a coincidence!".
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04-09-2018 09:53 AM #534
- Join Date
- Apr 2007
- Posts
- 8,345
This thread from Orkney Library Twitter account
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04-09-2018 09:57 AM #535This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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04-09-2018 11:35 AM #536
Los Angeles, late 1940s. Everyone who was anyone wore trilbys.
Songwriter Sammy Cahn has just opened a new type of nightclub where, instead of live music they play records over the PA system. One night the young Tony Bennett decides to visit and checks his mac and trilby into the cloakroom. After a few drinks Tony decides to for out for something to eat but as he'll be coming back doesn't bother to take his stuff back out of the cloakroom.
At the kebab van he bumps into Frank Sinatra who say 'Hi, Tony no headwear tonight?'.
To which Bennett replies:
"I left my hat in Sam Cahn's disco."
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05-09-2018 03:12 PM #537This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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05-09-2018 03:36 PM #538This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show QuoteThere is no such thing as too much yarn, just not enough time.
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30-09-2018 09:45 AM #539
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
They're efficient and don't do jokes.
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30-09-2018 04:07 PM #540
What’s the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?
You can’t wash your hands in a Buffalo.
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