My grandad has diarrhea, my dad has it and i have it too, runs in the family.
Results 481 to 510 of 1283
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19-03-2018 07:13 PM #481
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19-03-2018 09:41 PM #483This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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19-03-2018 09:53 PM #484This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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20-03-2018 09:26 AM #485This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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20-03-2018 09:37 PM #486
- Join Date
- Apr 2002
- Age
- 49
- Posts
- 15,209
PJ and Drunken: Let's get ready to stumble.
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21-03-2018 12:19 AM #487
Oldie but goldie......
Scotsman and Englishman and an Irishman are the only survivors from a plane crash in the desert.
They each decide to salvage something from the plane that might help their survival.
The Englishman finds a gun.
"What good is that?" - the other two ask.
He replies - "If we meet some wild nomadic tribes we will be able to protect ourselves and if we see vultures, we can kill them for food."
"Brilliant!" - the other two reply.
"What did you get, Jock?" - the two ask.
He produces an umbrella.
"What good is that?" - they ask.
He replies - "Well, it will shade us from the blazing sun and, if it rains, we can turn it upside down and catch some water."
"Brilliant!" - they reply.
"And what did you get, Paddy?" - they ask.
"I've got this car door" - says the Irishman.
"What good is that?" - they ask.
Paddy replies "Well, I was just thinking, if it gets too hot, we can wind down the window."
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25-03-2018 11:08 AM #488
The farmer said he had forty eight sheep in his field and asked me to round them up.
I said "OK, fifty".
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25-03-2018 05:02 PM #489
In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.
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One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”
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The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won
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25-03-2018 06:11 PM #490
I have found my favourite old toy, a globe, in the loft. When I was a boy it meant the world to me.
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25-03-2018 10:10 PM #491
The Scottish Space Agency send a rocket to the moon, on board is a Jambo and a monkey. Each of them has an envelope with their instructions on arrival.
When the rocket touches down the monkey opens his envelope first and starts to carry out his orders.
1. Signal back to earth that the rocket has arrived safely. He sends a signal.
2. Check the exterior of the rocket for damage. The monkey makes the check.
3. Fix any damage. The monkey repairs some of the heat shield panels.
4. Take a rock and soil sample. The monkey starts to collect rocks and gets and uses his spade to gather some soil.
5. Map the local area. The monkey starts to measure distances and takes photos.
The list continues in this manner.
While all of this is going on the Jambo is watching the monkey in amazement until he remembers his own envelope. He opens it up and sees that he only has one job to do, it says “remember to feed the monkey”.
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21-05-2018 12:23 PM #492
I saw a brightly coloured mountain train carriage the other day and I thought to myself 'that's a funny colour'.
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21-05-2018 02:23 PM #493This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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21-05-2018 04:08 PM #494This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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21-05-2018 04:10 PM #495This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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03-06-2018 03:36 PM #496
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Hawaii.
Hawaii who?
I'm very well, thank you and Hawaii you?
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03-06-2018 04:20 PM #497This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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03-06-2018 05:58 PM #498
- Join Date
- Dec 2007
- Age
- 81
- Posts
- 13,825
I'd been away told my wife I'd come home with a case of diarrhoea."Couldn't you get the Bud Light?"she asked.
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08-06-2018 07:40 PM #499
What do you call a cat does it take to screw in a light bulb? They could worry the banana.
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09-06-2018 08:13 AM #500This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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10-06-2018 09:16 AM #502This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show QuoteThis quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
http://www.iflscience.com/technology/ais-attempts-at-oneliner-jokes-are-unintentionally-hilarious/
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12-06-2018 12:47 PM #504
A Tunnocks teacake picked up a Caramel Log in his taxi to head to the airport.
He asks "So how long are you a way for?"
Do you think your security can keep you in purity, you will not shake us off above or below. Scottish friction, Scottish fiction
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12-06-2018 05:52 PM #505This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
Sent from my SM-G925F using Tapatalk
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14-06-2018 03:50 PM #506This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
You didnt?
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14-06-2018 05:56 PM #507This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
Just leave me alone!!!!!!
Sent from my SM-G925F using Tapatalk
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14-06-2018 09:32 PM #509
I phoned the RAC and told tbem "my car won't start", the lassie on the phone said "try it in reverse" so I said "start won't car my"
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14-06-2018 09:37 PM #510This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
"Try them with the tongue out"
"They're thtill thoo thighth!"
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