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  1. #541
    @hibs.net private member blackpoolhibs's Avatar
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    I hate being bipolar, its awesome.


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  3. #542
    @hibs.net private member Northernhibee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Caversham Green View Post
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    Los Angeles, late 1940s. Everyone who was anyone wore trilbys.

    Songwriter Sammy Cahn has just opened a new type of nightclub where, instead of live music they play records over the PA system. One night the young Tony Bennett decides to visit and checks his mac and trilby into the cloakroom. After a few drinks Tony decides to for out for something to eat but as he'll be coming back doesn't bother to take his stuff back out of the cloakroom.

    At the kebab van he bumps into Frank Sinatra who say 'Hi, Tony no headwear tonight?'.

    To which Bennett replies:




    "I left my hat in Sam Cahn's disco."
    Frank Sinatra once lost his steak pie she put clubbing in Dundee.

    When asked about it he said “I left my tart in Fat Sams disco”


    Do you think your security can keep you in purity, you will not shake us off above or below. Scottish friction, Scottish fiction

  4. #543
    @hibs.net private member Hibbyradge's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blackpoolhibs View Post
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    I hate being bipolar, its awesome.
    That's good. 👍
    Buy nothing online unless you check for free cashback here first. I've already earned £2,389.68!



  5. #544
    First Team Breakthrough
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    My pet mouse Elvis died this morning.

    He was caught in a trap.

  6. #545
    @hibs.net private member blackpoolhibs's Avatar
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    A convict with a stutter died in prison just before he could finish his sentence.

  7. #546
    Day Tripper matty_f's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blackpoolhibs View Post
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    A convict with a stutter died in prison just before he could finish his sentence.
    I like that one.
    Follow the Hibs podcast, Longbangers, on Twitter (@longbangers)
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  8. #547
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    A sperm donor, a joiner and Julius Caesar walked into a bar. He came, he saw and he conquered.

  9. #548
    Left by mutual consent!
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    I had to phone a drugs helpline today and was told "If your problem is related to cannabis press hash"

  10. #549
    @hibs.net private member blackpoolhibs's Avatar
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    A man sees a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener and says, "You don't need a tin opener to open bananas."
    To which the monkey replies, "It's for the custard, you daft *******.”

  11. #550
    Left by mutual consent!
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    I was in spec savers the other day, you’ll never guess who I bumped into? 👀 Absolutely everyone 😆👀😂😂😂😂😂😂

  12. #551
    @hibs.net private member
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    Did you hear about the alcoholic dyslexic man?

    He choked on his own vimto.

  13. #552
    @hibs.net private member Scouse Hibee's Avatar
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    After several break ins at butchers across the city, Police are struggling to find the missing link.

  14. #553
    First Team Regular Mixu62's Avatar
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    Asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She said, "they're right behind you".

  15. #554
    Exit signs. Are they on the way out?

  16. #555
    Man walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of ripped trousers. Tailor says, "Euripides?"
    Man says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

  17. #556
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    I was going to post a smart time travelling joke but nobody liked it.

  18. #557
    @hibs.net private member Dan Sarf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg View Post
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    I was going to post a smart time travelling joke but nobody liked it.

    Wow!

  19. #558
    Day Tripper matty_f's Avatar
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    I was going to see Bohemian Rhapsody last night, but the lighting wasn’t that great – I could see a little sillhoutte of a man…
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  20. #559
    @hibs.net private member Future17's Avatar
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    The bathroom at work had a sign on the door which said

    DO NOT USE
    OUT OF ORDER

    so I made sure I went to the toilet before I washed my hands.

  21. #560
    @hibs.net private member blackpoolhibs's Avatar
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    I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . .. .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


  22. #561
    Day Tripper matty_f's Avatar
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    It's amazing how a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
    Follow the Hibs podcast, Longbangers, on Twitter (@longbangers)
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  23. #562
    Went to the supermarket to get 6 cans of sprite, when I got home, I realized I picked 7 up.

    Bob Mortimer-Athletico Mince.

  24. #563
    @hibs.net private member CropleyWasGod's Avatar
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    You ever heard of campanology?

    Not sure, but it rings a bell.

    Sent from my SM-A520F using Tapatalk

  25. #564
    @hibs.net private member Scouse Hibee's Avatar
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    How many Rangers fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None, they all still live in the dark age.

  26. #565
    @hibs.net private member Alfiembra's Avatar
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    Saw a film about a cartoon teabag it was rated PG

  27. #566
    @hibs.net private member Hibbyradge's Avatar
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    An elephant in the jungle sees a mouse for the first time.

    "What are you", he asks.

    "I'm a mouse" says the mouse, "what are you?"

    "I'm an elephant" says the elephant.

    "Why are you so small?" asks the elephant.

    The mouse replies indignantly, "I've been ill."
    Buy nothing online unless you check for free cashback here first. I've already earned £2,389.68!



  28. #567
    Day Tripper matty_f's Avatar
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    Two guys were in court today for stealing a calendar, they both got six months.
    Follow the Hibs podcast, Longbangers, on Twitter (@longbangers)
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  29. #568
    @hibs.net private member Jim44's Avatar
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    Possibly not strictly in this thread category but I thought this Kevin Bridges joke was very funny:

    A young woman from Clydebank was in Largs and was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia."
    "I see," the captain says 'and that's all is it?' Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
    "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Millport Ferry."

  30. #569
    Quote Originally Posted by Jim44 View Post
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    Possibly not strictly in this thread category but I thought this Kevin Bridges joke was very funny:

    A young woman from Clydebank was in Largs and was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia."
    "I see," the captain says 'and that's all is it?' Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
    "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Millport Ferry."
    That ones older than me.

  31. #570
    Coaching Staff heretoday's Avatar
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    I used to like farm machinery.

    I'm an ex-tractor fan.

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