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  1. #511
    @hibs.net private member CropleyWasGod's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peevemor View Post
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    That's like the guy who tried on a pair of shoes and told the salesman that they were too tight.

    "Try them with the tongue out"

    "They're thtill thoo thighth!"
    You've been reading your Lex McLean joke book again.....

    Sent from my SM-A520F using Tapatalk


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  3. #512
    @hibs.net private member Hibbyradge's Avatar
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    What's the advantage of living in Switzerland?

    Well, for a start, the flag's a big plus.
    Buy nothing online unless you check for free cashback here first. I've already earned £1,789.68!



  4. #513
    @hibs.net private member Moulin Yarns's Avatar
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    I told my therapist that I was obsessed with social media, he said he didn't follow.
    #Persevered
    Scotland can be a beacon, within these islands and beyond, for a socially just and sustainable society. Whilst there are many priorities which will require independence, there is also much that can and must be done now by the Scottish Parliament and the Scottish Government.

  5. #514
    @hibs.net private member easty's Avatar
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    PSN ID: hibee_easty
    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
    The barman looks at him and says,
    "Hang on! You're a duck."
    "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
    "And you can talk!"
    Exclaims the barman.
    "I see your ears are working, too,"
    Says the duck.
    "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
    "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
    "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
    "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
    "I'm a plasterer."
    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
    The same thing happens for two weeks.
    Then one day the circus comes to town.
    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
    "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
    "Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
    "Get him to give me a call."
    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
    "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
    "I'm always looking for the next job,"
    Says the duck.
    "Where is it?"
    "At the circus,"
    Says the barman.
    "The circus?"
    Repeats the duck.
    "That's right,"
    Replies the barman.
    "The circus?"
    The duck asks again.
    With the big tent?"
    "Yeah," the barman replies.
    "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
    "Of course," the barman replies.
    "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
    "That's right!" says the barman.
    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says...
    "What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!

  6. #515
    First Team Breakthrough Alfiembra's Avatar
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    Stolen fron Dave TV Channel ad breaks but I like it.

    "Without it Gravity would be just Gravy"

  7. #516
    First Team Breakthrough Alfiembra's Avatar
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    A train stops at a train station.
    A bus stops at a bus station.
    On my desk is a work station.

  8. #517
    First Team Regular Mixu62's Avatar
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    The definition of a cannibal is someone who is fed up with people

  9. #518
    Cannibals are notorious for letting people stew in their own juice.

  10. #519
    I had to get rid of the stairlift.

    It was driving me up the wall.

  11. #520
    @hibs.net private member Craig_HFC's Avatar
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    Guy walks into a pub with his dog. Orders a beer and says to the barman “I’ve got no money but I’ll show you something better. My dog can speak.” Barman says “right then, make it talk”

    So the guy pulls out a bit sandpaper, scrapes the dogs arse with it & says to the dog “how did that feel?” The dog says “ruff!”

    Barman says “nah, I’m no having that. Get out!”
    Guy says “Naw, naw it can talk, give us another chance”

    So this time he says to the dog “you’re teeing off and your ball doesn’t hit the fairway, the green, the bunker or the water. Where is it?”. The dog says “ruff!”

    Barman says “right, that’s it! Out the pair of you!”
    The guy says “honestly it can talk, one more chance please”

    So the guy says to the dog “right, this is our last chance before we get chucked out so pay attention. World Cup 1986 in Mexico, who was in goal for Scotland?” The dog says “ruff!”

    Barman has had enough and chucks them both out the pub. The guy & his dog are sat on the pavement outside and the dog turns and says to him “****, was it Jim Leighton?”
    PERSEVERE
    Verb: pə:ːsɪ'ˈvɪə/
    To not give up.
    To go the distance.
    To stop at nothing.

  12. #521
    Quote Originally Posted by Craig_HFC View Post
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    Guy walks into a pub with his dog. Orders a beer and says to the barman “I’ve got no money but I’ll show you something better. My dog can speak.” Barman says “right then, make it talk”

    So the guy pulls out a bit sandpaper, scrapes the dogs arse with it & says to the dog “how did that feel?” The dog says “ruff!”

    Barman says “nah, I’m no having that. Get out!”
    Guy says “Naw, naw it can talk, give us another chance”

    So this time he says to the dog “you’re teeing off and your ball doesn’t hit the fairway, the green, the bunker or the water. Where is it?”. The dog says “ruff!”

    Barman says “right, that’s it! Out the pair of you!”
    The guy says “honestly it can talk, one more chance please”

    So the guy says to the dog “right, this is our last chance before we get chucked out so pay attention. World Cup 1986 in Mexico, who was in goal for Scotland?” The dog says “ruff!”

    Barman has had enough and chucks them both out the pub. The guy & his dog are sat on the pavement outside and the dog turns and says to him “****, was it Jim Leighton?”
    That's the first time I've actually laughed at my desk from reading this thread... and I like quite a few of them

  13. #522
    First Team Breakthrough Alfiembra's Avatar
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    Carnival worker sacked from dodgems ride.

    He’s suing for funfair dismissal?

  14. #523
    Administrator matty_f's Avatar
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    Gamertag: franck sauzee
    I have developed a phobia of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

  15. #524
    First Team Regular Mixu62's Avatar
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    To whoever stole my anti-depressants - I hope you're happy now.

  16. #525
    First Team Breakthrough
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    Mate of mine went on a holiday to a country cottage which was great apart from it being right next to a farm.
    Got woke up early every morning by the noise from the animals. The cocks and hens cock a doodle dooing.
    The pigs grunting.
    The cows mooing.
    The donkey wasn't bad though, it said He Haw

  17. #526
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
    The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills." Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon."

  18. #527
    First Team Regular weedgiehibbie's Avatar
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    BREAKING: David Villa signs for Villa, Antonio Valencia signs for Valencia, Nile Ranger signs for Rangers & Danny S**ttu signs for Hearts.

  19. #528
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    "Come round to my place tonight. I'm having a wee doo" - Bo Constricta
    https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-45074866

  20. #529
    First Team Breakthrough
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    Old lady knitting as she drove.
    Police drove up beside her and shouted "Pull Over"
    Lady replied back "No they're mittens"

  21. #530
    Private Members Prediction League Winner Hibrandenburg's Avatar
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    If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

  22. #531
    @hibs.net private member blackpoolhibs's Avatar
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    I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone, then it dawned on me.

  23. #532
    Coaching Staff heretoday's Avatar
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    What do you call an aardvark who's just been beaten up?

    A vark.

  24. #533
    @hibs.net private member Hibbyradge's Avatar
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    Two men were playing golf behind 2 very slow women.

    One of the men said to the other, "Would you ask them if we can play through. One of them is my wife and the other one is my mistress so I don't want to speak to them together".

    The other chap sets off to have a word with them, but as he gets half way there, he turns round and returns to his playing partner.

    "Would you believe it?" he said, "What a coincidence!".
    Buy nothing online unless you check for free cashback here first. I've already earned £1,789.68!



  25. #534
    @hibs.net private member
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    This thread from Orkney Library Twitter account


  26. #535
    @hibs.net private member Peevemor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by grunt View Post
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    This thread from Orkney Library Twitter account

    Brilliant!

  27. #536
    Los Angeles, late 1940s. Everyone who was anyone wore trilbys.

    Songwriter Sammy Cahn has just opened a new type of nightclub where, instead of live music they play records over the PA system. One night the young Tony Bennett decides to visit and checks his mac and trilby into the cloakroom. After a few drinks Tony decides to for out for something to eat but as he'll be coming back doesn't bother to take his stuff back out of the cloakroom.

    At the kebab van he bumps into Frank Sinatra who say 'Hi, Tony no headwear tonight?'.

    To which Bennett replies:




    "I left my hat in Sam Cahn's disco."

  28. #537
    @hibs.net private member easty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by grunt View Post
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    This thread from Orkney Library Twitter account

    very good

  29. #538
    @hibs.net private member Moulin Yarns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by grunt View Post
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    This thread from Orkney Library Twitter account

    I got pelters for reading that out, it created an earworm 😁
    #Persevered
    Scotland can be a beacon, within these islands and beyond, for a socially just and sustainable society. Whilst there are many priorities which will require independence, there is also much that can and must be done now by the Scottish Parliament and the Scottish Government.

  30. #539
    How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

    One.

    They're efficient and don't do jokes.

  31. #540
    First Team Breakthrough Alfiembra's Avatar
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    What’s the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?




    You can’t wash your hands in a Buffalo.

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