flintstones.

[blackpoolhibs]

I have been living in Saudi Arabia for the past few years and the tv shows are shown from England. One show that they will not show is the Flintstones because, apparently, people in Saudi Arabia do not get the humour but the people in Abu Dhabi Do

[Houchy]

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I have been living in Saudi Arabia for the past few years and the tv shows are shown from England. One show that they will not show is the Flintstones because, apparently, people in Saudi Arabia do not get the humour but the people in Abu Dhabi Do

[NthCarolinaHibs]

Ah'm sure Barney Magrew will have a comment on this

[Removed]

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Don't encourage him. He's as bad as Ronnie

[blackpoolhibs]

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already

[iwasthere1972]

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I have been living in Saudi Arabia for the past few years and the tv shows are shown from England. One show that they will not show is the Flintstones because, apparently, people in Saudi Arabia do not get the humour but the people in Abu Dhabi Do

I like that one

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A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already

but that's sick.

[blackpoolhibs]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[iwasthere1972]

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A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Don't smoke it all tonight.

[iwasthere1972]

I got a hoover for the wife last week. It's the best swap I've ever made.

Boom boom.

[blackpoolhibs]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"
So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[BroxburnHibee]

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I have been living in Saudi Arabia for the past few years and the tv shows are shown from England. One show that they will not show is the Flintstones because, apparently, people in Saudi Arabia do not get the humour but the people in Abu Dhabi Do

You're wasted on here

[iwasthere1972]

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You're wasted on here

From what I've heard he's wasted most of the time.

[WindyMiller]

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You're wasted

edited.

[ArabHibee]

Mr Tickle was really excited about marrying his girlfriend Tess.

Tess, however, wasn't too sure about her new name!!

[blackpoolhibs]

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[snooky]

When the man that designed the first drawing board screwed up his first attempt, what did he go back to?

[snooky]

I came home last night and the wife was crying.
I asked her what was wrong.
She said she was homesick.
I said "But this is your home"
She said "I know, I'm sick of it"

- vintage Tommy Cooper

[Pretty Boy]

I got home early from work the other day and caught my wife and best mate all hot, sweaty and breathless in the living room.

I asked them what was going on and my wife said 'We were playing the wii fit', she then winked at my mate and said 'he did REALLY well'.

As i left the room i heard them giggling and calling me a gullible loser. I had the last laugh though because when i checked the Wii the next day none of his scores had even registered.

[Pretty Boy]

The barman says 'We don't serve time travellers in here'






























A time traveller walks into a bar.

[BroxburnHibee]

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I came home last night and the wife was crying.
I asked her what was wrong.
She said she was homesick.
I said "But this is your home"
She said "I know, I'm sick of it"

- vintage Tommy Cooper

"I backed a horse today at 20/1"

"Came in at 20 past 4"

[Removed]

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said

'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.


Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me

'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

"Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."

So that was nice.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.


“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’

He said 'How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.”

Tommy Cooper

[snooky]

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
I think it's Colin."
fav Tommy Cooper joke

My next door neighbour said "Is it O.K. if I use your lawnmower?" I replied, "Certainly, just don't take it out of my garden!"
fav Chic Murray joke

[Leicester Fan]

A bloke just offered me £600 a week working for the brittle bones association,






I snapped his hand off....

[blackpoolhibs]

My wife was all excited when she received an email from screwfix, her excitement soon dampened when she realised it was not from a dating agency.

[HibeeB]

I got sacked from the soup kitchen the other night.

It was closing time and I was in a hurry to get home. Even so, apparently, it's not OK to shout 'have you got no homes to go to?'

[Leicester Fan]

1) Apparently Ashley Cole was so shocked at shooting the kid he then crashed his car into him



2) It's not the first time Ashley Cole has shot his load into someone he shouldn’t have



3) Ashley Cole might have shot the work experience kid, but it was Didier Drogba that fell to the floor in agony



4) Ashley Cole - once a gunner, always a gunner



5) It's the last time any of the Chelsea lads will ever joke about Ashley Cole having a tiny weapon



6) What's the difference between Ashley Cole and Raoul Moat? One of them went on a rampage after his Geordie wife left him, the other went fishing with Gazza


7) What are the three scariest words Carlo Ancelotti can use at Chelsea? "Extra shooting practice"


8) There's some good news for Ashley - he's now qualified to be vice-president of the USA


9) There's also good news for the workie, Chelsea fan Tom Cowan. He had Cole in his Fantasy League team, so he's picked up +2points for a shot on target.



10) ‘No Ashley… that’s not how you play Call of Duty

[Leicester Fan]

The Police came to my door last night holding a photo of my wife.

They said "Is this your wife sir?"

Shocked i answered "Yes"

They said "Im afraid it looks like she has been hit by a bus"

I said "I know but she has a lovely personality"

[Leicester Fan]

got this text at 2am this morning

it said

A G N B

i think it was bang out of order

[Leicester Fan]

i mistakenly swollowed a bottle of tippex last night instead of my viagra














i woke up this morning with a huge correction