You're safe, DH.
Nobody will have told that one. Believe me. :tee hee:
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What animal would you see at the Edinburgh Tattoo?
A miltary coo.
When we getting back to smart jokes ? :-)
When you’re halfway through eating that scabby horse, you’re not as hungry as you first thought!
A man was driving through the countryside when his car broke down, not knowing what was wrong he stood looking under the bonnet scratching his head. He was parked next to a field which had two horses in it, all of a sudden one of the horses came trotting over to him. To his amazement the horse spoke to him.
“Broken down” asks the horse.
The man is speechless, a talking horse.
”Have you run out of petrol” asks the horse.
The man still amazed says, “No I only filled up a few miles back”
The horse then says “Give the battery leads a wiggle, make sure they’re on tight”
The man checks the leads and sure enough one was loose, he tightens it up try’s the starter and the car bursts into life.
The man is over the moon “Thank you so much” he says to the horse.
”No problem” says the horse and trots back off to the other horse.
The man drives off and a few miles down the road spots a cafe and decides to stop for a coffee.
While getting served he chats to the owner.
” The strangest thing just happened to me, my car broke down a few miles back and I didn’t know what was wrong with it. I was beside a field and this horse came over and started talking to me. I couldn’t believe it, then the horse told me how to fix my car”
The owner of the cafe looked at the man quizzically and said.
”Was it a black horse or a white horse”
”A black horse” says the man.
”Ah you were lucky then” replied the owner.
” The white horse knows **** all about cars”
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
Get your jacket on, the doctor's taking us out tonight 😀
There are 2 things on earth you can see from space:
1. The Great Wall of China
2. Footballs leaving Tynecastle and burning on re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere
A woman from Hinckley Leicestershire (pictured here) has lost her case at Leicester magistrates court today, after she tried to sue the "Royal infirmary " Her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.
Mrs DeMinger of Hinckley aged 67 said to reporters outside court this afternoon "Me and me 'usband Fred 'ave 'ad bangin' sex till 'e went ta 'ospital and 'ad 'is operation, now 'e's not interested 'n me and it's all down to them twats" !
The surgeon who performed the operation and attended court to give evidence said "all we did was removed Fred's Cataracts" !Attachment 20259
Dickens ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’ was first serialised in two local newspapers.
“It was the Bicester Times, it was The Worcester Times”.
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The residents of Morningside are so posh they get the Big Issue delivered.
Was out with my wife for dinner, we had venison.
It was a bit deer.
Oldie but somewhat appropriate.
Maid: "Your Lordship, the butler is urinating in the snow to spelling out his name".
His Lordship: "That's nothing to worry about, my dear. Men do these things."
Maid: I know your Lordship, but it's in Her Ladyship's handwriting"
Was oot clearing the snow earlier and I felt my mouth freezing up.
So I gritted my teeth! 😂
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
One is a animal and the other one is a Geordie stuck in a lift.
I went to see a faith healer last night.
He was that bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out!
What did the drummer call his daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
Subject Thought this would interest you - England v Ireland. St Patrick's Day 17th March 2018.
England v Ireland March 17 St Patrick’s Day Twickenham
This may be of interest to one of you.
A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Ireland 17th Mar.
He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Marylebone Registry Office, at 4.30pm.
The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook
Hibs have agreed to withdraw their complaint after a 50p piece was thrown on the pitch at the last Tynecastle derby. Turns out it was a takeover bid.