I spent ages trying to understand this before I realised you'd put "distance" instead of "difference"!
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A mate of mine has opened a Christmas ice rink over the festive period and is charging 50p an hour. What a ****ing cheapskate.
My wife phoned the local radio station today, to enter their Christmas mystery prize competition.
She was lucky and got through to the DJ,
"Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That's Fantastic!" she called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Berlin University," she proudly replied, "and I continued studying for my doctorate"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to the next Edinburgh derby in the Hearts end and to meet the Hearts players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"
"7", She replied....
That last post 100% reflects the thread title lol!
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How do you think the unthinkable ?
With an ithberg :-)
My favourite is from the Fringe, a few years ago, by a stand-up called Fin Taylor:
"...My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious"
Why was Oedipus against profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
Anybody know the attendance at Yankee Stadium in the last game of 2016? Doesn't have to be exact, a ballpark figure will do.
It was Christmas Eve many years ago. Santa had overdone the whisky and mince pies the previous night and Mrs Claus was hoovering around him and complaining that he never did any housework. The elves were way behind schedule and threatening to strike for better working conditions. Once again they had forgotten to put batteries in with the presents. Rudolf was complaining that the other reindeer wouldn't let him join in their reindeer games.
Then a fairy appeared and said 'Hey Santa, what should I do with this tree?'
And that children, is why you see a fairy at the top of the Christmas tree.
Just watched the pilot show of CSI Kirkcaldy .
It was rubbish.
There were no dental records and everyone had the same DNA.
Some of my friends are holding a joint Chinese new year/Burns night. I didn't fancy it at first but they twisted my arm.
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Now the window is closed, Liverpool fans are gutted they didn't get Bale, but they're back in court on Monday and might get it then.
An Australian ventriloquist visiting NZ,
walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: 'G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him.'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Villager: 'The sheep's a ****ing liar'
When do cows go on holiday?
When they have a wee calf.
There seems to be an animal theme developing, so ...
An old bull and a young bull stand on a hillside, overlooking a field in which several cows are grazing.
The young bull says to the old bull, “Hey, let’s run down the hill and f*** one of those heifers.”
The old bull replies, “No, let’s walk down and f*** all of them.”
Why did the cow go to the cinema?
Cause it wanted to see a MOOvie.
*Not reading through the whole thread so if its been done before, sue me.