Was dragged along with the missus to watch the new fifty shades of grey movie last night, I was a bit reluctant to go but when I got there you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. In fact the place was buzzing.
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Was dragged along with the missus to watch the new fifty shades of grey movie last night, I was a bit reluctant to go but when I got there you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. In fact the place was buzzing.
My dad always said to me, "Take it with a pinch of salt."
Nice man. Made horrible tea.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationary. :rolleyes:
My mates just came back from West Africa,now he can't stop buying raffle tickets.......turns out he has the tombola virus.:greengrin
Accidental Fart
A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...
AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS... VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR.
AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...
HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM ...HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY???
BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET??'
HE ANSWERS, "MADAM...IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT. YOU ARE GOING TO **** WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
- Anyone can roast beef.
The fella who invented the throat sweet has just died. There will be no coffin' at his funeral. :rolleyes:
The man who wrote the "Hokey Cokey" died last week.
It was reported that they had a lot of trouble at the funeral parlour.
Every time they tried to put his right leg in .......
Saw a sign on a door outside easter road that said "press". So I did but nothing happened.
:greengrin :aok:Quote:
Originally Posted by deano88
How does the Sun cut his hair? E clips it! :rolleyes::)
An oldie but goody! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by snooky
Brilliant and choried :greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by easty
Then there's was the masochist who liked a cold shower in the morning so he took a hot one.
(From 2 Ronnies, IIRC)
Adam Johnson's chances of being cleared of rape have improved. Sunderland have hired a Dick Advocaat.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100...
She's a solid 10, but also imaginary.
Bumped into Anne Budge at the weekend, i did not recognise her at first and asked where i knew her from. She replied i'm from Gorgie in Edinburgh.
I said thats nice, i hear some of the prettiest girls and some of the best rugby players in the world come from there.
She smiled and agreed, i then asked her what position she played.
And did she stick her tongue out at you? (Budgies tongue....I'll get me coat).Quote:
Originally Posted by blackpoolhibs
Why can you not use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?
Cos they take things literally!!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Coz he was looking for a fight.
:greengrin :aok:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mixu62
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I am neither for nor against apathy.
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
I hired a bike today for a ride around Blackpool,unfortunately one of the tyres started to go down so I called in somewhere to put some air in,he
charged me £2 ,I said it only use to be £1,he said '' THAT'S INFLATION FOR YOU
My humour used to be really self deprecating but I had to stop as I was rubbish at it.
OK I admit it.
I wasn't at the game on Saturday, I was at a yam wedding.
It was a traditional yam wedding ... where the main speech was
given by the father of the bride and groom.
On that note - how do you know The Elephant Man was a yam?Quote:
Originally Posted by Jack
Because he looks like one.
I visited a zoo yesterday but all they had was a wee dog.
It was a shih tzu.
:faf:Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperAllyMcleod
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty bus station while the other is a busty crustacean.
Everything that goes up must come down - but there comes a time when not everything that's down is gonna come up.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? Who has your dinner ready for you on the table, the TV turned to your favourite channel, and a freshly-made bed turned down and waiting?
It means you're in the wrong house.
Have I already posted my deja vu joke?
Sex at my age is like shooting pool with a rope.