A dyslexic man walks into a bra..
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra..
I'm really worried about my parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
The mrs asked me to whisper dirty things to her. Kitchen, bedroom and bathroom were not the right answers :D
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My sister has a dead end job.
She's a prostitute in a cul-de-sac.
Built a 10ft wall I was so happy with it I just could not get over it.
Got a job at a bed factory had to do 1 weeks lying time.
Had a window cleaning round was going well until I lost the rag.
Your about as much use as Anne Franks drum kit . . .
My wife's just like Heather Mills.
She only wears half the ****ing shoes she buys.
All the good Chemistry jokes Argon.
I was driving to work this morning when I saw a sign saying 'Low Trees'.
So I stopped, got out and gave one a cuddle.
I got a new Hoover for the wife. Tell you the truth I would have swapped her for a second hand one.
what do u call a dog with no tongue? stinky baws.
I'd been having trouble with my new IPhone until i changed the device name to "Titanic".......
It's syncing great now!
When my Dr told me that they may have a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.
I've just invented a cure for cynicism...
I don't think it will work though.
Conjunctivitis.com - That's a site for sore eyes.
Hearts fan has been admitted to A&E after inserting 7 "My little Pony" figures into his rectum. Doctors describe his condition as stable.
I was in the off licence earlier looking at what wine to buy.
There was a girl in there in front of me, only about 21, really good looking with a short skirt on.
She bent down to pick up a bottle and I saw she wasn't wearing any knickers.
She got a Merlot.
I got a Semillon.
So René Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Can I fix you a drink?” Descartes replies, “I think not”—and disappears.
I've just been diagnosed with CDO. It's a bit like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order like they should be.
Saw a car with the bumper sticker "I'm a vet and that's why I drive like an animal" today.
Suddenly it became clear to me just how many gynecologists are on our roads.
Pavlov's sitting in the pub when the telephone rings. "My God!" exclaims Pavlov, "I forgot to feed the dog!".
Just heard Robert De Niro is to play the main character in the film of Harold Shipmans life, its called the old dear hunter.
A Psychiatry student is sent to the mental hospital to evaluate 3 of the worst cases in the country. He's lead down a stairwell into the basement where there's three heavy locked iron doors. He unlocks the first and goes inside.
Standing in the middle of the room is a guy swinging his arms like he's holding a bat.
"What are you doing" asks the student.
"I'm Babe Ruth and when I hit a home run, I'm getting out of here", replies the patient.
The student then goes into the 2nd room.
Standing in the middle of the room is a guy swinging his arms like he has a golf club.
"What are you doing?" asks the student.
"I'm Arnold Palmer and when I get a hole in one, I'm getting out of here".
The student then goes into the third room.
When he walks into the room he sees a guy lying on a bed, completely naked, trying to balance a walnut on the end of his cock.
"What the hell are you doing???" asked the student.
The patient replied, "I'm ****ing nuts and I'm never getting out of here"
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.
Why do mice have small balls?
Because not very many of them are good dancers.
Do I know any jokes about Sodium?
Na.