Man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.
Policeman informs family "There's no easy way to say this"...
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Man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.
Policeman informs family "There's no easy way to say this"...
Egyptian Taxi driver?
Toot and come oot.
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
I was out drinking with my mates, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 12 missed calls from my wife.
Is she insecure or what? That's an average of 6 calls a day.
Guy goes to the doc to get the results of his recent medical check up.
Patient - "Okay doc, what do the results tell us?"
Doc - "Hmmm .... don't go buying any green bananas"
Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin
As some other guy said, you can't really say he's gone to a better place ... ! :wink:
Sincere apologies if it's been posted already but ...
2 elephants fall off a cliff ... ... ... boom, boom!
"Would you like a cake or a meringue?"
"No you're quite right I'd like a cake."
I think this thread deserves a green award for recycling
First wifie - "I hear yer man's work's paying off six fitters - you must be worried."
Second wifie - "Naw we're alright, my Davey's only five foot seven."
Invisible mans girlfriend is breaking up with him she just said she really couldn't see him anymore.
Did you know 'emas eht yltcaxe' is exactly the same backwards?
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
"Have you got any haddock?"
"sorry Mrs.McTavish none left".
"Well I'll have two bits of salmon but could you have another look for haddock?"
"No definitely none."
"I'll have some cod as well but I'm not sure you're looking properly for the haddock."
"Mrs.Mctavish we have no haddock.We have no h-a-d-d-o-f-c-k haddock."
"There's no eff in haddock".
"That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last 5 minutes."
I've just found out that the chippy in Sellafield has closed down.
What a shame, they used to serve a lovely leg of cod there.
Man walks into a bar with a big strip of Tarmac over his shoulder. He says "pint of lager for me and one for the road".
My ex always liked ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so this year I've bought her a toaster.
A man walks into a Pet Shop and asks, "do you sell painkillers" ?
The shop owner replies nah mate "Paracetamol"
GGTTH
Man walks into a pub with a biscuit tin and a duck under his arm. He puts the biscuit tin on the bar and the duck on top of the tin, immediately the duck starts dancing. Everyone in the bar is fascinated by the dancing duck including the landlord and the bar is heaving. Word gets out and sales are going through the roof, everyone wants to see the dancing duck.
The landlord says to the man would you please sell me your dancing duck name your price, I’ve never had such a busy night in here, he’ll be great for business. OK says the man but dancing ducks don’t come cheap. Whatever it takes says the landlord, the man replies I’ll need £500 for me duck.
The landlord pays the man and the bar is bursting at the seams everyone watching the dancing duck. Closing time comes and the bar empties but the duck is still dancing on the biscuit tin he clears up and about an hour after the bar shut the duck is still dancing. So the landlord phones the man, it’s about the duck he says, what’s wrong says the man, nothings wrong says the barman how do you get it to stop dancing?
Ah that’s easy says the man just lift the lid of the biscuit tin and blow out the candle.
I went to a gymnastics instructor and asked if she could teach me to do the splits. “How flexible are you” she asked, I said “I can’t make tuesdays”.
Went to bed last night with my mobile phone under my pillow. Woke up this morning and it was gone and in its place a pound coin.
Damn you Bluetooth Fairy.
Saw this **** from Kirkcaldy the other day walking along the road with only one shoe on.
I said “mate, you’ve lost a shoe”.
He said: “Naw av no, I’ve found yin”
American tourist on cruise round Antarctica asks the guide, what is the distance between the black, and white penguins.
The black ones are walking away from you and the white ones are walking towards you...
If you drive a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now an Edison?