Eurovision

[nonshinyfinish]

Have we ever needed the surreal escapism of Eurovision more than we do right now?

After the qualified success of last year's thread, I'm warming up the valves on the iPlayer and settling in for another musical tour de force. I'm going in blind – I haven't heard any of the songs – but I do know from the buzz in the streets that the Irish crashed out in the semis and that the Austrians are fielding a bearded lady.

Fingers crossed for madcap choreography, heavily politicised voting, and beguiling Eastern European ladies.

Anyone mentioning the H-word will be taken outside and shot.

[Sergey]

Have we ever needed the surreal escapism of Eurovision more than we do right now?

After the qualified success of last year's thread, I'm warming up the valves on the iPlayer and settling in for another musical tour de force. I'm going in blind – I haven't heard any of the songs – but I do know from the buzz in the streets that the Irish crashed out in the semis and that the Austrians are fielding a bearded lady.

Fingers crossed for madcap choreography, heavily politicised voting, and beguiling Eastern European ladies.

Anyone mentioning the H-word will be taken outside and shot.

I sincerely hope that you don't mean Hungary, as I've a few bob on them each way for this.

Looking forward to your in-running observations :thumbsup:

[Peevemor]

I'm currently watching a documentary on the French atrocious europop entry. At least last year's Amandine Bourgeoise was fit as well as barking. These guys are just embarrassing.

[Peevemor]

Impressive set up!

[Peevemor]

Austria :wtf:

[Sergey]

Poland look extremely promising and might have something to offer.

Monmore, Hare running...

...and we're off!

[nonshinyfinish]

Due to technical difficulties I missed most of the acts coming out, but I'm marking the Russians as early favourites.

[Peevemor]

OK, here goes Ukraine. I wonder if Russia will give them "douze points" this year? I'd give her one.

[nonshinyfinish]

Ukraine: song is generic pish, but there's a guy in a hamster wheel, so it goes down as a solid start.

[Peevemor]

Due to technical difficulties I missed most of the acts coming out, but I'm marking the Russians as early favourites.

It depends how the baltic states vote.

[nonshinyfinish]

The Neil Buchanan of Belarus there, doing a giant art attack on an ice rink.

[nonshinyfinish]

It depends how the baltic states vote.

I just meant they were tidy.

[nonshinyfinish]

Don't like this preening w***er. Next.

[Peevemor]

I just meant they were tidy.

You're not taking this seriously, are you?

[nonshinyfinish]

Is he singing about cheesecake?

[Sergey]

That lot from Balarus are nailed-on for 12 points from the Ruskies - probably all they'll get.

[nonshinyfinish]

Great fact from Norton: no song in position two has ever won.

A stat that's in no danger tonight.

[Pretty Boy]

Boy in the bookies today put £50 on Finland to win. Said it was a cert.

Sure it was about 150/1 so think he must have been pished.

[Peevemor]

Miss Azerbaïdjan looks interesting.

[CallumLaidlaw]

I stuck a couple of quid on Spain and Ukraine for some interest.
That Belarus was like a budget backstreet boys

[Peevemor]

You'd think she could have taken some English lessons!

[Sergey]

Miss Azerbaïdjan looks interesting.

Indeed - she's got a nose like Carl Froch

[Pretty Boy]

I really need to get shot of my cold, south British sassenach other half and get myself to Eastern Europe for a replacement.

[nonshinyfinish]

You'd think she could have taken some English lessons!

I think clarity of enunciation would only make this ponderous effort worse.

[Peevemor]

I think clarity of enunciation would only make this ponderous effort worse.

Hi couldn't hagree more.

[Pretty Boy]

Iceland an early contender for nul points?

[nonshinyfinish]

This will do well. Norton saying one of them is an MP.

[Peevemor]

Iceland pish look but song's OK.

[nonshinyfinish]

Iceland an early contender for nul points?

F*** it, I'll say it: I like this.

[Sergey]

That stage set has more colours than a Pantone book - not for me.

[nonshinyfinish]

Is this Norwegian guy's carpentry thing a Jesus complex? Discuss.

[Pretty Boy]

F*** it, I'll say it: I like this.

Yep I'm going to revise my earlier opinion.

Good sing a long chorus, a cert to do well in Eurovision.

Norway on the other hand......

[Peevemor]

Yep I'm going to revise my earlier opinion.

Good sing a long chorus, a cert to do well in Eurovision.

Norway on the other hand......

Is the thing on his wrist to prevent him from slashing himself?

[nonshinyfinish]

Is this Norwegian guy's carpentry thing a Jesus complex? Discuss.

Dark blue shirt under a black suit? GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.

[Pretty Boy]

David Gest here for Romania.

[Peevemor]

Romania - bint yes, song no.

[Peevemor]

The guy's disappeared in his hoop!

[Sergey]

I'm not sure I agree with you, Peeve. This is certainly has a pick-pocketer vibe to it.

[nonshinyfinish]

Romania trying the old stick-generic-lyrics-over-a-house-beat trick. Lowest common denominator stuff, but it's worked in Eurovision before.

[Peevemor]

Good teeth.

[nonshinyfinish]

The Armenians have gone to town on the light show.

[nonshinyfinish]

Some Montenegrin kids doing the world's s****est jigsaw.

[nonshinyfinish]

Does she have wheels on her ice skates?

[Peevemor]

Ahem roller blades

[nonshinyfinish]

Got to admire these obscure countries having the balls to sing in their own language, but it's electoral suicide.

[Sergey]

If this won the Montenegro competition, the other contenders must have been *****

[nonshinyfinish]

Good energy from Poland, this is what we came for.

[Peevemor]

Poland bring out the heavyweights.

[nonshinyfinish]

Things are heating up now - shameless stuff.

[CallumLaidlaw]

'Mon the polish!!!

[Sergey]

And here was me thinking that the Polish national dress was painters overalls.

[Peevemor]

Things are heating up now - shameless stuff.

Braw!

[nonshinyfinish]

This has garnered 40 million view on Youtube apparently, most of them with the sound off I imagine.

[Peevemor]

In the points for me, just for the jugs.

[nonshinyfinish]

'Mon the polish!!!

She was certainly polishing that butter churn.

[CallumLaidlaw]

She was certainly polishing that butter churn.

Liked graham norton there "I've never heard butter churning get a reception like that before"

[Peevemor]

Greece - gonnae no!

[nonshinyfinish]

In keeping with their austerity measures, Greece bring us some low-budget hip-pop.

Time to bring back the drachma.

[CallumLaidlaw]

Greece. Swedish house mafia they are not

[nonshinyfinish]

Sorry, but even trampolining can't save this mess.

It'll do alright though, people like this kind of crap.

[nonshinyfinish]

Yas! The Austrians are coming!

[Peevemor]

I prefer my trannies clean shaven.

[CallumLaidlaw]

Good to see Rylan has sorted those teeth

[nonshinyfinish]

If she finishes this by getting her wurst out, it'll be the full 12 from me.

[nonshinyfinish]

Anybody got a full list of the odds?

This sounds like a seventies Bond theme tune (a good thing, obvs).

[Peevemor]

If she finishes this by getting her wurst out, it'll be the full 12 from me.

Merci ! My 9 year old daughter is asking me what I'm laughing at.

[CallumLaidlaw]

Anybody got a full list of the odds?

This sounds like a seventies Bond theme tune (a good thing, obvs).

Just said to my wife that it's very Shirley bassey

[Peevemor]

Even the sexiest of women look ridiculous behind an accordeon.

[CallumLaidlaw]

http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/05/11/ybezyta8.jpg
http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/05/11/qy2yvava.jpg
http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/05/11/qy8eta2e.jpg
http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/05/11/uvupygys.jpg

[nonshinyfinish]

The Germans are yet again struggling in the shadow of the runaway success of the delightful Lena a few years ago.

[nonshinyfinish]

Cheers Callum.

UK fourth favouite - surely the shortest odds for years?

[nonshinyfinish]

Is this nonsense covering an ad break or something?

[nonshinyfinish]

What's that? A tasty Swede? Who ever would have guessed?

[Peevemor]

Yum yum

[nonshinyfinish]

This is alright in a Eurovision kind of way, but when a country has the pop music pedigree like Sweden's, you have to expect better.

[Peevemor]

Shame about the song (sounds like there's a pseudo yodelling thing going on).

[Sergey]

It's currently between Sweden and Poland if my groin area is the judge.

[Peevemor]

Here go the frogs - it's pish.

[nonshinyfinish]

These look like right characters, and not in a good way.

[nonshinyfinish]

Oh yeah? Oh no.

Ill-advised rapping is one of my guilty pleasures though, so this could stage a fightback.

[Sergey]

The checked tie and checked shirt is a no-no....as is this performance.

Sorry, Peeve.

[nonshinyfinish]

Oh yeah? Oh no.

Ill-advised rapping is one of my guilty pleasures though, so this could stage a fightback.

No, it's not recovering any ground. It'd be a poor Eurovision that didn't have anything like this, though.

[Peevemor]

The checked tie and checked shirt is a no-no....as is this performance.

Sorry, Peeve.

No apology required - I'm with you.

[nonshinyfinish]

The checked tie and checked shirt is a no-no....as is this performance.

Sorry, Peeve.

Absolutely.

[nonshinyfinish]

Well hello, Russia.

[Peevemor]

There's scope for fantasy in this entry (or entries)!

[Sergey]

"The Sex Lives of Siamese Twins" with a dildo in hand.

[CallumLaidlaw]

Thanks to Austria, my wife has just had to explain to my 9 year old what a transgender is. Lol
He also liked France's song!

[nonshinyfinish]

Thanks to Austria, my wife has just had to explain to my 9 year old what a transgender is. Lol
He also liked France's song!

Who, your wife?

(Sorry...)

[Peevemor]

Italy's quite good - not for eurovision though !

[nonshinyfinish]

I'd say that the Italians have made a decent effort on the costumes, but these guys probably don't regard tight white jeans as fancy dress.

[CallumLaidlaw]

Who, your wife?

(Sorry...)

Haha :-)

[Sergey]

Probably the best pins of the night...but that's about it.

Very poor from a usually strong Italian set.

[nonshinyfinish]

The Slovenian Jethro Tull. Interesting.

[nonshinyfinish]

By interesting, I mean dull.

[Sergey]

I'd like to have seen more of the backing singers - there was additional points to be garnered there!

[Peevemor]

Finnish song's quite good. No visual interest though.

[nonshinyfinish]

Finland have two drummers, giving them common ground with the Allman Brothers, Runrig, and occasionally the Fall.

[nonshinyfinish]

Finnish song's quite good. No visual interest though.

It is hard to switch back to the other voting apparatus at short notice.

[Peevemor]

The Spanish entry's already damp and she's hardly started.

[Sergey]

Now why did she not wear a t-shirt? Mistake by the costume dept.

[nonshinyfinish]

Here Peeve, I've just noticed there's a full card of Ligue 1 fixtures tonight. What were they thinking, the grounds will be half empty.

[nonshinyfinish]

Spain/rain fact: contrary to popular opinion, the rain in Spain falls mainly on the northern hills.

[CallumLaidlaw]

The Spanish entry's already damp and she's hardly started.

X factor reject there

[nonshinyfinish]

Domino flag: yes.
Whistling: no.

[nonshinyfinish]

I am in favour of the banjo though, and whistling aside I quite like this.

[Peevemor]

Here Peeve, I've just noticed there's a full card of Ligue 1 fixtures tonight. What were they thinking, the grounds will be half empty.

What's more, it's also the final of the French "the voice". The remote's taking a hammering.

Did the whistling Swiss just make the nescafé hand gesture there?

[nonshinyfinish]

He did not solve that Rubik's cube.

[Sergey]

Here's the 25/1 winner

[Peevemor]

When's the next (non) ad break? I want to nip out for a fag.

[nonshinyfinish]

We're yet to have any geniunely off-the-wall staging. A bit of interpretive dance is all well and good, but someone needs to do something mental.

[Sergey]

Brilliant by Hungary.

[Peevemor]

He did not solve that Rubik's cube.

Also, he could have had the same flag effect using only one.

[Peevemor]

Brilliant by Hungary.

:faf:

[Peevemor]

What's that on his jeans?

[nonshinyfinish]

What's that on his jeans?

Peaked too soon.

[CallumLaidlaw]

I quite like this from malta

[Peevemor]

Malta's song's OK in a singalong in the car sort of way.

[CallumLaidlaw]

Malta's song's OK in a singalong in the car sort of way.

Mumford have become worldwide stars with that sound. Lol

[nonshinyfinish]

Malta's song's OK in a singalong in the car sort of way.

They should have performed it circling the stage in an Austin Allegra.

[Sergey]

Malta's song's OK in a singalong in the car sort of way.

Indeed - if you were driving from Malta to Greece

[Peevemor]

Denmark! FFS!

[nonshinyfinish]

Ooft.

I think this is self-deprecating (it's called Cliche Love Song after all), but you can never be sure.

[CallumLaidlaw]

Diet - Bruno mars

[nonshinyfinish]

I'm choosing to believe that this is a deliberate piss-take, and therefore enjoying it.

[Peevemor]

Indeed - if you were driving from Malta to Greece

:greengrin:

[nonshinyfinish]

Textbook key change.

[Sergey]

This mob obviously don't want to host it next year!

[nonshinyfinish]

I really struggle to like the Dutch (Dennis Bergkamp aside), and I don't know why.

Change my mind, guys.

[Peevemor]

This mob obviously don't want to host it next year!

Ireland almost bankrupt the country by winning too often and deliberately did crap for a few years.

The Dutch lassie looked far better in the wee video beforehand.

[nonshinyfinish]

I like the Bobby-Gillespie-in-the-Mary-Chain-style can't-be-arsed drumming.

[Sergey]

I actually quite like this...it runs Hungary close...

...oops, and then a **** guitar solo spoils it.

[nonshinyfinish]

I actually quite like this...it runs Hungary close...

...oops, and then a **** guitar solo spoils it.

I was thinking exactly the same about that solo - shocking.

[Peevemor]

Either the San Marino lassie is a strange shape or she's got a really crap outfitter.

[Sergey]

This girl from San Marino has bleedin' lip-gloss on her teeth.

Either that or she's got a contract with Colgate.

[nonshinyfinish]

San Marino have brought in a German ringer to play the piano - fair enough when you have the population of a small town.

The guy has apparently written a Eurovision winner in the past. Nothing to add to the mantlepiece this year, mind.

[Peevemor]

That was pants!

[nonshinyfinish]

Peeve, since you're out of the country, I assume you'll be hammering the phone for the UK?

[Peevemor]

What's she got stuck on her forehead? Is it something to do with wifi?

[nonshinyfinish]

The drummer was going for it at least.

[CallumLaidlaw]

After some of the crap that's been on, this is quite good

[Peevemor]

First time I've heard this. Good eurovision stuff.

[nonshinyfinish]

After some of the crap that's been on, this is quite good

Henna tattoos are not to be encouraged.

[Sergey]

Racist Alert - I do believe that only France and the UK have used coloured (black) artists.

26 countries - 2 black performers.

[Peevemor]

For me it's the twins + butter churn on video to the Icelandic soundtrack. A winning combination!

[nonshinyfinish]

While they're gabbing, some favourites of yesteryear:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgtRSseC-_4

[nonshinyfinish]

Belarus flicking the Vs there, going for the badboy vote.

[nonshinyfinish]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6umyemztJ9E

[nonshinyfinish]

Appalled that this Lativian masterpiece was eliminated in the semis:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0D1Ya3NBQs

[nonshinyfinish]

Couldn't believe it when Sebastian Tellier rolled on stage:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZWBpSsNszY

[nonshinyfinish]

The halftime entertainment seems to be a surreal take on Ode To Joy atop ladders. Cracking.

Can I vote for this?

[Peevemor]

Appalled that this Lativian masterpiece was eliminated in the semis:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0D1Ya3NBQs

That's fab! It's even a wee bit proclaimeresque.

[nonshinyfinish]

OK, I've finalised my choices:

1. Denmark (assuming tongue-in-cheek)
2. Iceland
3. Switzerland

Honourable mention to Austria's bearded lady Bond theme.

[Peevemor]

Their number song is pitiful.

[nonshinyfinish]

Their number song is pitiful.

The Ban Ki Moon gag gives me an opportunity to link to this, though:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNmkr-1rTk0

[Peevemor]

Peeve, since you're out of the country, I assume you'll be hammering the phone for the UK?

That'll be shinin'!

[Peevemor]

OK, songwise I liked Iceland, Finland, Malta (for in the car) and the UK (in terms of eurovision aptness). The first 3 will get nowhere though, and the UK maybe in the upper half of the table.

[Sergey]

I had £10 each way on Hungary at 25/1 (1/4 odds 1st 4) and will be happy with the place money.

He was *****, but then again, who isn't?

[Peevemor]

I had £10 each way on Hungary at 25/1 (1/4 odds 1st 4) and will be happy with the place money.

He was *****, but then again, who isn't?

The Polish butter churn woman?

[nonshinyfinish]

Sod this milling around and chatting, give us the numbers. :grr:

[Peevemor]

I'm watching the result of the French voice in the meantime. 'mon Kendji the gypsy!

[Peevemor]

I'm watching the result of the French voice in the meantime. 'mon Kendji the gypsy!

YEESSSS! Back of the net!

[Sergey]

Last years winner was worthy, although she seems to be putting a bit of flab on around the upper thigh.

[Peevemor]

YEESSSS! Back of the net!

Only because he looks a wee bit like Lewis Stevenson


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggUZotRQhLQ

[CallumLaidlaw]

Last years is a class above any of this years!

Come on Ukraine and Spain!!

[Sergey]

This is the part of the show when the real babes come out to show their wares.

Here we go!

[nonshinyfinish]

Let's do this.

[CallumLaidlaw]

http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/05/11/5u2yme6y.jpg

Here's the odds before the voting starts

[nonshinyfinish]

Decent start for the Magyars, G.

[nonshinyfinish]

Bit of needle in the room as Mother Russia picks up a 12.

[CallumLaidlaw]

Bit of needle in the room as Mother Russia picks up a 12.

Could be a riot if Russia win

[Peevemor]

WTF is this Albanian boy all about?

[nonshinyfinish]

The previous lassie let Poland down.

[nonshinyfinish]

Doing well with the numbers given his age.

[Peevemor]

Denmark 12 points to Sweden. Wow!

Good show from Montenegro here!

[Sergey]

Well done the Montenegro voters...and the Romanian

[Peevemor]

Russia 12 points Ukraine ?

[nonshinyfinish]

Well I'm not booing Russia here.

[Sergey]

That lot from Balarus are nailed-on for 12 points from the Ruskies - probably all they'll get.

cough

[Peevemor]

Russia 12 points Ukraine ?
Nae chance.

[nonshinyfinish]

cough

Nicely done.

[Sergey]

**** you Malta

[nonshinyfinish]

Expect better in a French lady.

[Peevemor]

Expect better in a French lady.

That's why she's on the radio.

[nonshinyfinish]

FFS, this Latvian guy could have made at least a token effort to smarten himself up.

[nonshinyfinish]

The booing seems to be getting worse. I assume a tear-up in the stands would be a Eurovision first?

[Peevemor]

The French commentator just call Iceland the land of the Teletubbies? I'm writing in!

[nonshinyfinish]

White glasses. Fanny.

[nonshinyfinish]

The French commentator just call Iceland the land of the Teletubbies? I'm writing in!

"Yours sincerely,

Peeved of Brest"

:tee hee:

[nonshinyfinish]

The Swedish have come mob-handed.

[Sergey]

:top marksfor the Swedish judges

[Peevemor]

Belarus. Great until she started singing.

[Peevemor]

:top marksfor the Swedish judges

Abba wannabes

[nonshinyfinish]

Belarus. Great until she started singing.

They tried to kill the connection to shut her up. Probably the most predictable top points of the evening as well.

[nonshinyfinish]

To get us through the break, here's another Baltic belter:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcQeEEz8-VI

[nonshinyfinish]

Best (only?) bow-tie of the evening.

[nonshinyfinish]

Best (only?) bow-tie of the evening.

Wait, one of the irritating Danes is wearing one.

The Isreali bow-tie was nice and understated, though.

[Peevemor]

Portugal 0 points for Spain? Skint neighbours are a pain in the arse.

[nonshinyfinish]

S*** shirt; s*** hair. GTF.

[nonshinyfinish]

The Dutch are hanging in there.

[Peevemor]

Hungary - classy!

[nonshinyfinish]

Is his shirt a Magic Eye picture?

[Peevemor]

That Oirish shirt/tie combo. No!

[nonshinyfinish]

A Finn in a waistcoat.

OMG he's rapping.

[nonshinyfinish]

Pick up the pace, Lithuania.

[Peevemor]

The Lithuanian guy's a hoot!

[nonshinyfinish]

I don't like an unconvincing beard on a woman.

[Peevemor]

Spain's Jackie Bird.

[nonshinyfinish]

The Spanish lassie's forgotten her lines.

[Peevemor]

Even Belgium didn't give France any points. A sure sign of pishness.

[nonshinyfinish]

This Italian guy would have delivered a masterclass in relaxed cool if he hadn't fluffed the 10 points.

[Peevemor]

Ukraine gave Russia 4 points ? Diplomacy isn't dead.

[nonshinyfinish]

They've called it: trannies on top.

[Peevemor]

Oh dear Switzerland!

[nonshinyfinish]

What the sweet f*** is he wearing? I thought the Swiss were conservative.

[nonshinyfinish]

Good hat.

No, wait, terrible hat.

[Peevemor]

Well. That's that then! Back to the H word.

[Sergey]

Well done Austria - first beard to win since Abba

[nonshinyfinish]

And that's a wrap.

The introduction of semi-finals has really filtered out the properly bizarre entries, and the competition is significantly weaker for it. Still good fun.

[nonshinyfinish]

Well. That's that then! Back to the H word.

Aww, do we have to?

[Sergey]

Well that's it over for another year :boo hoo:

Boo

[Moulin Yarns]

For me it's the twins + butter churn on video to the Icelandic soundtrack. A winning combination!

Poland would have won it if they had done it like this....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mc1dGw5Mii8

The Russian twins sounded like the Pierces.

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

Did you guys not realise the boozers were open last night?

[CallumLaidlaw]

Did you guys not realise the boozers were open last night?

Might have had to talk about football if we'd went there

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

Still preferable to that drivel. I quite enjoyed last years thread, this one was sadly lacking.

[Hibrandenburg]

I prefer my trannies clean shaven.

Austrian with dubious facial hair conquers Europe, now why does that ring a bell?