Friday Joke Thread

[Phil MaGlass]

The John McGlynn thread was a hoot and the Van Persie was a laugh,
can we keep the ball rolling with a few jokes to see us through the day.

I´m pi5h at jokes but heres one I never forget,

what do you call a donkey with three legs,

a wonkey,

sorry it´s the best ah kin dae.

[horseflesh]

Why should you never wear Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout

[hibbymac]

I got some new aftershave yesterday, ... it smells like breadcrumbs,

................... birds love it.

[hibs4life]

What do you call a one-eyed jobby?

A keek (keich) - works slightly better as a verbal joke, as does the one about the lonely prisoner who was in his cell....

[DevonLoch]

...by a public vote of 3000 comedy fans!

1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ”

3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”

4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”

5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.”

6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.”

7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.”

10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”

[Hibbyradge]

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall at Saughton prison.

As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.

[supershotmo]

How does a monkey make toast?
.
.
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.
.
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.





Puts it under the Gorillia.

[Viking]

What do you call a one-eyed jobby?

A keek (keich) - works slightly better as a verbal joke, as does the one about the lonely prisoner who was in his cell....

Beat me to it!! Absolute classic...

What about the magic tractor? Went down the road and turned into a field!!

10 cows in a field, which ones on holiday? The one with the wee calf!!

10 cows in a field, which ones from the middle east?! Coo Eight!!

These jokes will always be funny!!!!!

[Viking]

Well, Stevie Wonder's divorce finally went through. As part of the settlement his wife has said he can't see the kids!!

[Captain Trips]

The prisoner who was in his cell was also very cold so they put another bar on for him.

I got a game for the British Airways football team, I am on the wing.

I saw the captain leave the airplane before taxing and it then got cold, the pilot had just gone out.

I visied my friend in hospital, he wasnt happy with the ward, food or nurses so unfortunatly he is still critical.

[Kenny1875]

Well, Stevie Wonder's divorce finally went through. As part of the settlement his wife has said he can't see the kids!!

Have you ever seen his wife?




Neither has he.

[Viking]

Have you ever seen his wife?




Neither has he.


a lot of people can name Stevie Wonder's famous songs but do you know what his first hit was?

the lampost!!!

[Hibs7]

My deaf and dumb girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night ............................. she nearly poked my bloody eye out.

It has been hard to get over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey
But I have turned myself around and that's what it's all about Hey!

[GraniteCityHibs]

...by a public vote of 3000 comedy fans!

1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ”

3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”

4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”

5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.”

6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.”

7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.”

10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”


Tim Vine and Stewart Francis are two of my favourites for one liners.

A few of their best:


Tim Vine
-Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!

-So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

-A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

-I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

-One arm butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out…

-Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that!


Stewart Francis
-"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

-"I quit my job at the helium gas factory....I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!''

-"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me"

-

[Delboy4]

Asked my missus for a w*** last night and she started rubbing my w*lly with her keyring.
I thought to myself, is it me or is she fobbing me off?
:greengrin

[Delboy4]

When the Pope toured Ireland, he was asked what he thought of County Down.

He said, "It's not the same since Carol Volderman left".
haha
:greengrin

[Delboy4]

The tears rolled down my face as I cried, "It's a boy, It's a boy!"

I sobbed, "That's the last time I go to a brothel in Thailand..!"

[Delboy4]

My wife wanted to go and watch Jeremy Kyle show for her birthday so I've sorted it out...
















...I've got her sister pregnant!
:greengrin

[Phil MaGlass]

What do you call a fly with no wings

A walk

[smack]

Why were the bakers hands brown?




He was kneading a jobby

[Hiber-nation]

Guy goes into a florist and says "I'd like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend."
Florist looks at him and says "Certainly Sir, what are you after?"
Guy replies "Ma hole".

A bloke just yelled at me for texting and driving.
I told him to get off my f***** bonnet and mind his own business.

[alhibby]

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.