Rumours?  Ye cannae whack thum
By Royal Appointment, Terracing tam returns to look after Diane's Tuesday slot…

FIRST THING AH NEED TAE DAE is apologise tae aw the Queen o’ Kack’s loyal subjects who nae doubt scrambled ontae their PC’s this mornin looking for an entertainin piece o’ writin by that guid lady.  Fact is she’s no able tae write the piece this week so ah huv been royally appointed to fill in fir her and bein a humble servant ah jist couldnae refuse.

Rumours gie the main thrust o’ ma piece the day so ah better get the first yin oot the road right away.  The Queen husnae, as reported by yon felly thit is castin aspersions on Chairlie, abdicated her throne an’ moved ower tae Jambos.net.  Even Royals need a wee brek now n’ then so she’s hayin a week oaf.  Come tae think o’ it wi’ aw the smokin she does she’s hud that week oaf fir ages.

Fitba widnae be sae much fun wi’oot the rumours so ah hud a wee look aroond the message boards tae see whit ah could pick up n’ the first yin that caught ma eye wis yin suggestin that Tam the Bam McManus is bein linked wi’ Aiberdeen.  A’ fair laughed at that yin cos ah ken fir a fact that Tam is nae liker o’ sheep n’ isnae gonnae be fooled by the fact that some gadgie cawed Pele hus been watchin um playin for the Hibs and Scotland.  A wee bird telt ays that Tam nearly fell fir it when one o’ his Hibs team mates phoned um an’ telt um thit a far away team wi’ Pele oan their staff wis watchin um.  McManus hud visions o’ struttin ays stuff oan the Copacabana Beach an’ it turns oot he’s mair likely tae be struttin ays stuff at the Rio Pole Dancin’ Club in Union Street if he signs up wi’ the sheep molesters.

Anither belter that caught ma eye wis the one Hertz gaffer Craig Levein wis joinin Leeds.  Ah didnae even ken he hud dugs.  An insider doon Elland Road way let ays hae a look at the joab description an’ it clearly states “Eftir the disaster wi’ Peter Reid, Leeds dinnae want any gaffer wi’ a soor puss” so ah think ye’ll agree that’s Craigy oot the picture.  Lets face it, Levein widnae hae the boatil fir it anyway – no eftir Alan Smith chucked it intae the crowd.

Tam to join the Dons?  Nah... (sns)

The biggest rumour o’ them aw hus tae be the yin thit Rangers ur pittin aboot when they say they’re pittin spies in the crowd tae root oot the bigots.  Ah near pished masel laughin when ah heard that yin.  Whaes gonnae retrieve their bodies is whit ah want tae ken.  Imagine some gadgie facin up tae a red hand o’ Ulster wavin, sash singin, buckfast filled neanderthal an’ sayin “Oi big man, gonnae no dae that”  They’ll be “up tae their knees in deid spies blood afore they’ve ate thur pies, cos they ur the Brigton Derry Boys”  Ah notice Celtic ur keepin kind o’ quiet oan this front but then they dinnae hae bigots, just a load o’ carrot heids singin harmless songs aboot potato famines in Oirland.

Ken how the January sales start in the shoaps aboot the end o’ November these days?  Aye, well naebody telt the SPL who ur insistin thit they will be held in January an’ that afore ye kin spend money ye’ve goat tae huv at least a 10,000 seater stadium, undersoil heatin an’ pies thit faw apart an’ burn yer fingers when ye’re tryin tae eat thum.  Thankfully Hibs qualify fir aw three an the latest rumour sees yon rhymin slang Finnish gadgie Wiss n’ Nick ‘am Cathlick bit ah’m feared o’ crosses’ Colgan oaf tae pastures new whilst Boaby is seemingly castin an eye oan ex sheep molester Robbie Winters whaes currently playin wi’ Brann.  Ye jist ken it’s rubbish when ye look at Boaby n’ realise he widnae ever huv anythin tae dae wi’ Brann as long as fish suppers taste that guid.

Thought ah’d finish wi’ a wee reference tae the boys in blue.  New, no the polis, the Scotland heroes whae gubbed the Nederlanders.  See when ye’ think o’ it, it’s no thit surprisin thit the Rangers hae a strong Dutch connection whit wi’ their obsession fir yon big nancy boy William oan’ ays white hoarse an’ thir lovely tangerine (ma erse) strip.  Eftir aw, it’s a little known fact thit the word ‘ned’ derives fae Nederlands.  Holland is flat, jist like a ned’s heid n’ loadsae Dutch folk ur well kent as dopeheids. 

Sorry, goat carried away there so back tae Scotland.  Ah hear fae a guid source thit the Scots fans wir singin cheeky songs tae the Dutch visitors tae Hampden.  Stuff like “Whit’s it like tae huv nae hills” an’ “How much is that hooker in the windae”  Aw harmless stuff likes but thir’s a vicious rumour gawn aboot thit the Dutch ur plannin revenge in the Amsterdam Arena oan Wednesday night.  Thuv come up wi a wee bit o’ retaliation an’ plan tae sing stuff like “You Jock’s want two lips in Amsterdam” n’ the awfy catchy (if yer Dutch) “You are thinking that a blow job is when you stand too close to the windmills”  Lets jist agree they dinnae translate awfy well n’ gie the boys marks fir tryin.

Ye’ll be gled tae hear this the Queen’ll likely be back next week.  Ah ken ah um!